Love in a Time of Colombia

Love in a Time of Colombia

During Brazil’s World Cup, the Colombian football team won the adoration of la copa with their little goal boogie that featured every game they played. They scored? They danced.

The two actions are inextricably linked. In Colombia, you dance? You score.

Colombia is where South American culture meets the Caribbean coastline, and generally, the country boasts more sex appeal than it does cocaine. The fact that everyone can salsa and speak Spanish just adds to either your inferiority complex, or the feeling you’ve just arrived in your wildest dream.

Either way, these Latinos can dance. If you’re going to turn your bailando into a rumba of a different kind, you need this fool proof way to looking less like a fool on a Colombian dance floor:

1. Try to copy
You’re in a market and you don’t know what to taste test? Have an, “I’ll have what she’s having.” Ditto for the dirty dance floors of Colombia. While I’m not really an advocate for comparing yourself to other people, you won’t really be having what she’s having unless you move the way she’s moving. Leave your inhibitions in that last glass of aguardiente and focus your “but” on your butt.

2. Be Shakira, your hips don’t lie
Nothing suggests square like square dancing on a Colombian dance floor. As such, think anything round: circles, figure 8s, another round of drinks… Channel these thoughts to your waistline.

3. Change speed every so often to keep your partner engaged
By this, once again, we’re talking about the hips. Always about the hips. It also will distract from the fact you have no idea what you’re doing with your feet.

4. If in doubt, decorate it.
By this, jazz hands are an option, not as dorky or out of place as you’d imagine. A twirl is also always good. Maintaining an intense eye contact at this point in time will allow your “decorations” to shimmer in the peripheral vision of your partner. It’s cheaper than buying them another drink.

5. Ask nicely, “Quieres hacer sexo conmigo?” (Wanna have sex with me?)
This is the blunt, last resort, drunken falling over your own feet option. If you have to make it this far down the list, you’d better hope your local lover says no, because your hobo coordination will not be up to the standards required by Colombia’s second favourite type of rumba.

Finally, I guess if all else fails and you really are that desperate, there’s always Gringo Tuesdays…. (Read: international orgy marketed as a language exchange with cheap cocktails).

Now go out there are reggae-t-it-on.

Cover by Ardian Lumi 

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