The Hobo Guide to Maintaining your Lady-like Composure
Every hobo-chick I know has had that moment, somewhere between using a razor you found in the hostel bathroom only to up your chances of hooking up with the new British arrival and being pretty effortlessly convinced into eating nothing but ‘liquor ball sandwiches’ for a whole day, where it occurs to you that perhaps you are not the picture of a well-bred, genteel lady that your teachers and parents may have wanted for you.
And besides the fact that you don’t want to be, you also never will be. That option left you the moment you proposed a rock-off to drink a litre of Sangria out of a shoe, then lost. Your rights to it were forfeited when you turned your underwear inside out so they would last a few days longer, and when you passed out drunk in a monkey onesie on the steps of the Canadian Consulate in Paris. So you’ll just have to get that idea out of your head.
This is a modern world – chicks travel alone all the time; pretty soon we may even be able to vote! Being a hobo-lady is a refined and tricky art that we have all mastered, and let’s face it, as crazed and unwashed as we may be – homegirl’s still getting laid, right? So it isn’t a bad thing to be a cultured bird with questionable views on personal hygiene and a fleeting sense of moral responsibility, and even if it were, I don’t think any of us will be changing any time soon. So, much like the photos of us getting fingered in Razzmatazz last night, we glorify and celebrate it.
Albeit sometimes a little dangerous, being a chick in this modern world has a lot of advantages while travelling: you are less likely to get arrested carrying that 12-inch hunting blade you’ve been using as a fork and mirror, you get into clubs first, and, generally speaking, people aren’t expecting you to be as much of a vagrant as you are. But you’re also more likely to get raped than your male friend.
- Keep a harem
Now I’m not sure if I am using that word correctly, but I don’t give a fuck. Hunt in packs. Keeping a small posse of like-minded chicks where you can find them can bring you to some awesome and deeply disturbing places, besides being a good way not to drunkenly hook up with that sleazy ginger drug dealer you keep going to the bathroom with. If you are unsure of who these women are, try to engage them in a rock paper scissors battle for who will drink all the halfies on the hostel counter at 9 am. If they are already doing that without prompting, join them.
- Keep some basic hygiene products in your purse/bag/vagina
Whether you wake up on the floor of the restaurant you were supposed to be having a civil night out in, an alcove on the street, or that ginger drug-dealers house, you’re going to want to brush the stale whiskey off your breath and maybe even slap on some make-up in a feeble attempt to cover up the regretful choices you made last night.
- Hide your shame in a pretty dress!
Let me paint a picture for you: you’ve been sleeping on a highway for three days hitchhiking, using garbage bags you stole from a bathroom as a make-shift tent, and your last shower was some time ago, you come upon a grocery store somewhere and your meager amount of rice and beans is running dangerously low. You’re going to need to employ some lady skills here to pull-off a couple of five-finger discounts, replenish your resources and not starve to death. But dressed as you are, with nothing but a strap of fabric over your sunburnt tits and a hippy skirt, is suspect; it calls attention. So here is where you’d give yourself a quick whore’s bath either in a café bathroom or from a hose outside, pull a pretty dress on and go fill your purse with bologna and cold churros.
- Learn what GHB tastes like
If you’re anything like me, then by this point in your life you’ve date-rape drugged yourself enough to have a taste and a tolerance for it, so no one’s pulling a fast on you.
- Use your feminine wiles
The list of things I am above doing is one sentence long, and I can’t remember what it is, but I sure as fuck know that it isn’t using the fact that I’m a chick to get things. Assuming that you are as disposed to moral depravity as myself, then there are many freebies, discounts and advance entrances if you’re willing to have an “accidental” nip slip once in a while. I’m not talking about just getting a drink at a bar from some guy you’re not going to screw – I would rather minesweep any day than be forced into talking to someone who doesn’t interest me; I’m talking about getting into a club, not being detained at the border because your visa is expired, or finding a place to crash in a new city. Use your good judgment, but keep in mind our vaginas can be serious gold mines.
- Preventative brushing
It’s taken many long years of hardship, but I think I’ve learned my lesson, and I think you should just prevent those matted dreadlocks before they happen. Use a fork or something for Christ’s sake.
- Use your intuition
Any seasoned vagrant, any traveler who lives on a sense of discovery and a slightly morbid curiosity, knows that there is a certain intuition involved with the destination/situation you next crawl into. Maybe this is hindsight wanting to justify itself, or the copious amounts of drugs and sexual degeneracy inciting an inflated sense of purpose, but it doesn’t matter, because that is the perspective making the misadventures and stories all the more poignant. This is what we live for, it’s the life that called us and continues to call us back to it. Intuition makes our feet itchy and our throats thirsty, gives our quest a path to follow and warns us whether or not the guys are disposed to getting boners from your fear.
- Own the promiscuity
This is fairly self-explanatory and you’re probably already doing it, as I know you’re reading this from your iPhone beside a Spanish man whose name you don’t know, but it should be said. We ladies that have already figured it out have a responsibility to be the example of doing whatever you want, no matter what kind of stigma it may have. I’ve gone as far as to name my vagina “The Hunter”.
So now you have no reason not to be a lady while traveling like a degenerate vagrant.