How To Not Suck At Life
It’s the year 2016 and it seems that somewhere between Reddit and Kanye West, people have forgotten how to human. Luckily for you, I’m a human who’s equipped with the authority of having a listicle published, so I’m going to ram these four tips so far down your throat that you might even manage to get your shit together and stop sucking at life. Yup, four tips are all it takes! So read on, if you’re tired of not living up to humanly standards. Even if you think you’re doing alright and are just curious (you’re wrong, of course, you piece of shit), read on anyway. These tips are guaranteed to fix ya right up.
Tip #1: Act Your Age
First of all, know your age. Secondly, act accordingly. Everyone should know that you only have a set window of time to conduct certain behaviours before they become intolerable. Like crying. Only babies cry, so unless you’re a baby, you’re not allowed to cry. Another example is piercings and tattoos – these are only allowed between the ages of 16 and 38. If you’re 39 and over, you’ll have to get some laser tattoo removal and stop wearing a bikini. As a matter of fact, if you’re over 40 just stop having fun. Fun time is over. You should be financially stable, elbow deep in a career and savings for your 2.4 children’s college tuition.
Tip #2: Know Your Gender Roles
Men are the pillars of society and therefore shall remain perfect symbols of strength and security in all aspects of their lives. Especially when it comes to their bodies; they must be tall, have ripped muscles (or dad bods when they’re old), and strong hands. Men don’t show emotions, so if you feel a stir of anything coming to the surface, you better bottle that shit up and bury it deep. But at the same time, pretend to care about that hot chick you want to bang. Perfect that gentlemanly behavior – hold the door, pay for meals, buy flowers, etc. But don’t you dare bring your feelings into this. Also, find one special girl, fall in love, treat her like a queen, ignore every other girl on the planet. Be polite, no one likes a dick, but don’t be too polite, you cheating bastard.
First and foremost, it’s imperative that you are a master chef. Everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Second – or sometimes first, depending on the situation – is sex, of course. Have a bangin’ bod and be a sex goddess in the sack. But don’t be too kinky, you don’t wanna come off as a slut. Always act like a lady – you know, curtsey, speak softly, never use vulgar language, keep that smile plastered on your face, and never ever fart in public. Better yet just don’t fart at all – keep that intestinal gas squeezed in tight.
Don’t be too independent. A girl can’t survive in this dog-eat-dog world without a big strong man to support and protect her. But don’t be too needy either, and don’t even think about bringing up the L word – no one likes a stage-5 clinger. Have an opinion? Keep it to yourself, you feminist bitch. Lastly and most importantly, don’t be a psycho. I can’t really tell you how because well, you’re female and females are just born crazy. So good luck with that.
You are not exempt. Look down and take a gander at your god-given sexual organs and refer yourself to one of the above categories.
Tip #3 – Have a dream and stick with it
If you’ve graduated high school, you should know what you want to do with your life. People have been asking you the same question since you could learn to talk – what do you want to be when you grow up? You’ve had 18 long years to figure it out! So fucking pursue it, and don’t second guess it. If you start doubting your decision, just ignore it, it’ll pass. You’ve gone too far to turn back now. Besides, you’ve graduated high school! You should have your whole life figured out by now. Now go on and take one year off to celebrate and explore the world, you deserve it. Then it’s back to reality and working your ass off for the next 40 years. Then you get to retire and fuck off and have all the fun you want! Isn’t that just grand?
Tip #4: Be half of a whole
You are not complete on your own. How is anyone supposed to tolerate you when you can’t even find a single person who thinks you’re decent enough to call you bae? Don’t be a sad lonely cat lady or pathetic perpetual bachelor scamming on younger chicks. No one likes a third wheel so get yourself a bae, settle if you have to – that skeevy guy who’s always hanging around the bakery leering at you isn’t so bad. He’s got pretty eyes. And at least he gives you attention. Probably best to just marry the bastard and be happy about it.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, these tips are complete bullshit. There’s no such thing as the “right” way to conduct yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – including the plethora of listicles pervading the web:72 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life, 37 Ways to Get Him to Notice You, or 5,621 Ways to Have the Best Vacation of Your Life! As if life is something that could possibly be mastered with an instruction manual or cheat sheet.
The truth is there is no life hack, no Humaning for Dummies handbook and people are going to judge you no matter what you do. But in the end, you’re the one who’s going to have to live with yourself, so just make sure you make decisions that you are happy with. Just do the world a favour and follow the one golden rule: Don’t be a cunt.
Cover by Anna Dziubinska