Not Shit New Year’s Resolutions
Every year starts the same: you drink and eat to excess in the lead up to Christmas, spend the week between Boxing Day and New Year in a confused limbo, and then begin the year with an empty wallet, pounding head and mouthful of resolute resolutions. January is named after Janus, the god of new beginnings, but instead of just beginning the new year, you decide this will be the best time to begin your new life so you make a series of pointless pledges that end up drowned in a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. Somewhere around the middle of the month, you’ll realise you can’t get abs in five days and can’t get rich while maintaining a serious relationship with chocolate and booze. So instead of steadily failing every improbable goal you set for yourself on January 1st, why not start again with our Not Shit Resolutions: far better for you than a juice cleanse.
1. Travel somewhere new every month
You don’t have to plan an international jaunt every 30 days; travelling is still travelling even if it’s two hours away. Rent an Airbnb and escape to a town you’ve never visited before or book a last minute flight to somewhere not initially on your travel list; it’s cheap so why not? Not all trips have to come with six months’ planning and a year of saving.
2. Try a new sexual manoeuvre
I have no doubt you are a competent lover, but sometimes very good coital requires a little innovation. It’s time to reinvent the standard routine you’ve been perfecting all your life and try something new. I suggest ‘The Catcher in the Pie’ or the ‘Find a Penny’. If you’re feeling particularly athletic, perhaps try a new position every day; your fitness will improve more than the average boot camp – although you may suffer a tad more chafing.
3. Take a trip with someone unexpected
The best trips are taken with friends, lovers or alone, but why not challenge yourself to flying overseas with the unlikeliest of companions? Board a plane bound for Japan with your mum and grandma: three generations of family, off to cause some havoc in Asia. Or take your dad on a pilgrimage to Gallipoli. Make a vow to explore the back streets of Paris with your younger sibling, or take Roger from the deli aisle of Coles to Antigua, whatever works.
4. Stop being such a dick
Stop sighing dramatically when someone sits too close to you on the bus, get off your phone when using the supermarket checkout, give that homeless guy more than just a pity stare, don’t roll your eyes behind your mum’s back and put your fucking Instagram feed away when out to lunch with friends.
5. Spend your money on something totally extravagant
Whether it’s always been your dream to spend a night in the igloo hotel in Lapland, swim with wild pigs in the Bahamas or backpack for a year through South America, make this the year of throwing down the cash and getting on with it. There’s no point in saving all your pennies – you can’t spend them from your casket. Book that trip of a lifetime or those front row tickets to Justin Bieber, otherwise next year’s resolutions will taste like this year’s regret.
Follow these simple rules and I can guarantee that your year will be miles better than those ‘365 new days, 365 new chances’ Instagram wankers. And I can also guarantee that ‘Catcher in the Pie’ will carve you out some spectacular abs. You’re welcome.
Cover by Kazuend