Booze Cruising with Oldies in Mexico
It was our last night in Mexico and we were staying in a town swamped with cruise ships. After a day of watching grandparents shuffle back and forth, my friend decided she wanted to go on a “booze cruise” in the hope of finding someone her age to get laid by. I couldn’t really see the point in paying $30 to get drunk on a boat when I could buy a one-litre bottle of tequila for $2, but her need for sex won.
The booking agent was a really nice guy called Manny, who not only offered to sell me the best cocaine in Cabo, but also promised me a night in his bed. Unsurprisingly, once our money was exchanged, we found we had been played: there were not enough people for the party cruise, so we were put on a shitty dinghy and given a cooler full of beers – not quite the sleazy night we had in mind.
A few heated arguments later, our good friend Manny bribed the security guard on a huge three-storey ship to let us on. But unfortunately for my friend, the mean age of the guests on this boat was 65, making our age gap 40 years – or three bottles of tequila.
The ship had a massive buffet and a constant flow of free cocktails. The bartender was fantastic and had a sense for when drinks were required. I lack the skill of pacing myself and whenever there is liquid in my hand I can’t help but skull it – I thank my mum for this, who made me drink vegetable juice every day as a child, basically grooming me to knock back liquids without touching my taste buds. Unsurprisingly, I soon lost all social inhibitions and decided we needed to liven up the party.
The bartender was one of my best friends by this point, and kindly gave me a bottle of tequila, a saltshaker and some limes. I stood on the stage and called the retirees onto the dance floor. As they entered, I licked each of their hands, poured on salt and forced a tequila shot down their throats. The response to having a girl half their age who could barely string a sentence together lick their wrinkly hands without permission was surprisingly met with gusto! It wasn’t long before people were begging for more and my hand-licking, bottle-pouring routine was perfected.
This turned out to be one of the wildest nights of my life. By the end of the cruise, we had a 20-plus following of grandparents who wanted to go clubbing. I literally felt like the pied piper as I lead the group dancing and singing down the main strip. My favorite new friend, a lovely lady from Florida called Pam, was so sloshed that she told me a 10-minute story about how I’m just the girl she hopes her granddaughter turns out to be. She also turned around to her husband with the sass of a 15-year-old who’s got the biggest tits in her grade and told him that she’s “getting wild tonight” and if he can’t handle it go home (which he did).
We lost comrades for a variety of reasons: some left their heart medication at home, for others it was past their bedtime. But the rest stayed out and slut dropped into the early hours. Luckily there were tablets of prescription drugs being passed around to keep us going.
So next time you’re looking for a wild night, broaden your horizons. You never know who you could end up snorting lines with.
And for the record, my friend did get laid. She ran into a Kiwi boy back at the hotel and after a romantic three-minute courtship, they did the nasty in the car park.
Everyone was a winner.
Cover by Leah Derrer