The Hobo Guide to Living in Melbourne’s North
About a year ago, I came to realise that something inside of me was dying to come out. It wasn’t just gas from my Maccas-dominated diet: beneath my peroxide-blonde hair was a grungy bohemian who wanted to drink coffee in laneways, wear Doc Martins in public and have some “me” time (“me” meaning unemployed) without being socially shunned.
Accordingly, I packed up my life’s belongings and moved to the only place I could go: the north side of Australia’s most liveable city. In the 12 months I spent there, I came to understand the fierce dichotomy that exists between northsiders and the rest of Melbourne, so have penned a guide to help you fit in if you too make the shift.
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WHERE TO LIVE
Gumtree is your go-to for a share house. Most of them are indistinguishable from one another: falling apart, haunted and inhabited by struggling artists who make political collages out of cut-up zines. They’ll usually all have at least a half-arsed attempt at a veggie patch out the back, and will come with a pricetag inversely proportional to their cleanliness. Suburbs like Fitzroy, Collingwood, Northcote, Brunswick and Richmond are all perfectly acceptable to live in, but anything that falls outside a 5km radius from Abbotsford Lentils is just too far (i.e. Preston) or too posh (i.e. Prahran).
If you instead choose to start a lease yourself, prepare to fight tooth and nail for it. We were even advised to offer to bump up the rent to secure our hovel on Albion Street, but managed to get it by pretending to be respectable young professionals who wanted the extra bedroom as a “home-office”. It’s amazing how much brushing your hair, arriving at the inspection in a car and ticking the ‘non-smoker’ box can do.
Once you’ve secured yourself a pad, it’s completely unnecessary to ever spend money on furniture and homewares (minus of course fairy lights and Tibetan prayer flags from Hot Potatoes). Skirt back streets for crates to build a wardrobe, steal palettes from outside cafes to make a bed base and scour the streets for hard rubbish in the form of couches, appliances, shelves, tables, chairs and vacuums.
PAYING BILLS
When it comes to making dosh, you have one choice if you want to fit in: rock the link whilst pursuing a creative venture. This might be making menstrual blood art pieces or playing the drums in a shoegaze punk-metal acid-rock band, but whatever it is, you spend at least three hours a week doing it, so are in no position to hold down a 9-5.
Sure, you might get occasional work at a hip café whose prerequisites for hiring you were that you wore Blundstones and listened to Lou Reed, but it’s gotta be cash in hand. If not, the government is going to cut your payments and put your hard-earned dole money towards something fucking stupid, like the East-West link.
GETTING AROUND
Having a car in Melbourne is frowned upon. Not only does petrol fall outside of a northside hobo’s spending quadrant (rent, goon, baccy, MD), but the poisonous gases that spurt out of exhaust pipes contribute to global warming, which could cause the city’s temperatures to rise to the likes of philistine backwaters such as the Gold Coast.
Some northsiders build bikes at CERES, but for the most part, getting around means evading the pricks in orange vests who patrol the trams. The trick is never to touch on immediately, but to hover near the machine lest an inspector gets on so you can scan your Myki in time. Obviously it’s only going to beep three times and say “INSUFFICIENT FUNDS”, but at least it now looks like you tried, which will aid in your pleas for clemency.
EATING
Lentil as Anything is a northside hobo’s go-to once a week for dinner (and party supplies if you choose to sit on the outside lawn). You won’t pay for the food at the moment because you have no money, but when you’re rich you’re going to come back and pay like $100 every time.*
When you’re not eating at Lentils, you’re cooking lentils at home: a tin of tomatoes, a tin of legumes and some authentic Indian spices from aisle 9 at Aldi. Occasionally your meals are supplemented by a dumpster dive, and if you’re desperate, you’ll hit up Woolworths, but anything you buy you just put through as “onions” at the self check-out.
STAYING ON TREND
Most of the time, wear black. Black on black on black. And when you need new threads, don’t go to an actual store: just hit up Savers on Sydney Road – the mecca for the northside fashionista. Nobody actually ever pays for anything there: you just put whatever you want underneath your clothes in the change room and walk out. If it wasn’t a privately-owned for-profit op shop, people might feel differently, but then again probably not because poverty.
If you have to wear colour, it’s acceptable to rock a pair of jeans, but only if they’re Levis that belonged to at least three people before you. They should also be as unflattering a cut as possible. If there’s one thing Melbourne hobos find unattractive, it’s people who look like they have tried to look attractive. Never, ever admit to having “gotten ready”, unless of course the look you are aiming for is STEAMPUNK X BUSH DOOF for a few casual drinks with friends. Try to keep the cultural appropriation to a minimum, unless you’re staging some sort of post meta protest.
Other than a choker necklace, the only accessory you’ll ever need to worry about is your rollies, so make sure you have a pouch on you at all times. Normal cigarettes do the exact same thing, aka give you emphysema, but not only do they not look cool, they’re harder to mix with bud.
GROOMING
If you’re new to Melbourne, rejoice. Gone are the days of waxing, shaving, fake tanning and washing your hair. Throw your locks in double buns, hide your acne with glitter and grow your pubes long. Being hairy is actually so on trend that sporting a t-shirt informing everyone of your bush growth will get you some serious street cred (tee below by hobo homegirl Kayla Sutton – suss her Etsy if you wanna purchase one).
WEEKENDS
If there’s one thing Melbourne hobos love, it’s bush doofs. Every second weekend, northsiders pack their bags with disposable cameras and rainbow vests and head to festivals with names like Yemaya or Maitreya. What unfolds is 48 hours of poor personal hygiene and psy-trance, the success of which depends on how well you remember the drops in the music and whether or not the bindis you attach to your forehead stay on. Bush doofs are always a super enlightening experience, because everyone knows taking acid in country Victoria is pretty much the same as taking peyote under the guidance of a shaman in Peru.
Fridays and Saturdays in the city usually revolve around park parties in Parkville, warehouse parties in Brunswick, house parties in Northcote, gigs at the Corner Hotel in Richmond, getting pissed at the Evelyn in Fitzroy, getting pissed on the bench opposite the Evelyn in Fitzroy and – everyone’s favourite – Revs. Sundays are spent frying out at Safeway and coming down.
BEING POLITICALLY ACTIVE
Melbourne is the socially-conscious capital of Australia, meaning everyone west of Kew agrees that Tony Abbott is a cunt, and probably has a placard on their fence declaring as such. Churches – which, where I come from, lobby against the existence of mosques – hang banners welcoming refugees. Come January 26, northsiders aren’t tossing snags on the barbie in their Southern-Cross boardies: they’re up in arms at a rally about Invasion Day (fucking right, too). People who graduated two years ago and whose parents paid for their degree spend their spare time demonstrating against the rise in uni fees. It’s fucking awesome to witness, and if you don’t agree, you will probably be chased out of the city with pitchforks.
And that – being chased out that is – would be a complete disaster. Because as much as permanently being inside in a cold concrete jungle and getting pissed every night takes a toll on your physical and mental wellbeing, living in Melbourne is mind-opening, heart-warming and a fucking grand experience that I recommend every hobo gives a stab at least once in their short and scummy lives.
*If you can afford durries, you can afford to donate at Lentils. If you can’t afford to donate, why not volunteer to work a shift or two? Thanks to Lentil as Anything, no hobo ever has to go to bed hungry.
I’ve been on the fence about moving down to Melbourne from the cesspit of mediocrity that is the Gold Coast for around 6 months. In the amount of time it took me to read this article, I’ve realised that any question as to whether or not I should is fucking stupid.
I am getting the fuck out of surfers paradise (the asshole of Australia), and in reality, the entire southern hemisphere, next week.
Cheers Global Hobo, and of course Gemma Clarke.
spot on gem, your a bloody legend. and a crackin writer might i add
Pleased to be of assistance Oliver!
Preston isn’t that far and there’s now a lentils’ there too 🙂 and a decent food market. Just fyi
pay for your food at lentils and do not encourage others not to pay either. you have made a lifestyle choice to live on a low income and are otherwise a privileged white girl with ample opportunities in life and fair more money than those who genuinely cannot afford lentils and whos life situation is far worse than yours. if you can afford your party goods from the lawn and can afford to go to bush doofs and wear nice doc martins then you can afford to pay for your food which people have cooked and provided and served for you, sometimes for no or little pay and always with love…
also i just want to say i dont work at lentils or anything but i think your views(and this article) are completely offensive and ignorant.
oh, and your not a hobo, that is a homeless person, dont make the comparison, ignorant
Lol. “Political” ?? Like that hokey offensive Native American headress you or yr mate is wearing in that party photo.
Ugh.
You guys are the LAST people that we want moving here.
Gross.
haha..that was a great article Gemma!:) I live in Cape Town – the South African home of the ‘bush doof’ so i totally relate to that experience. Also, I have a sister who lives in Perth and I’ve visited there twice – i must be honest…there ain’t much in Perth to draw anyone with a creative side and a yen for ‘alternative’ living, in my experience at least, but it does sound like Melbourne has quite a bit to offer an off the wall punter. I would love to visit that city someday!
Thanks again for a really cool and funny article 🙂
X Ted (thehead)
there’s a lentil as anything in Preston.
Haha cheers Ted – and yep, you should definitely get your hippie, doofing self over to Melbourne one day 🙂
I thought the start of this was a joke. I have grown up my entire life in the north and can only say; Stay out of northside you wanna be gypsys. You are what makes everyone hate the north with you’re yuppy, government leaching fake ways of life. Also pay for your lentils, you are choosing this as a lifestyle choice and have the means to be able to work! Unfortunately due to disabliltys, mental health problems etc some people actually can’t work ! This is why lentils is there, to help support them and to pay as you feel, which in your case is to be a leach so fuck off ! This article is the definition of cringe, fucking gyppo’s.
Outdated. Preston has been the home of the struggling artist for years now, they’re even starting to move to Reservoir. The burbs listed here have been taken over by the cool kids, none of which eat maccas.
this is satire right?
Long series of unfunny cliches about the north from someone who obviously has never lived in the north and sneers at those who do down their nose makes for 5 minutes I’ll never get back. If it’s all so sordid why waste time writing about it. You sound like a sheltered richie from the inner east.
Ha ! i hope this article is a joke… I hate it when people migrate to the north from their eastern, rich, suburbs to indulge in the ‘north’ lifestyle. bloody hipsters ! The reason the northern suburbs contain so much culture is because the people actually grew up here ! not in daddys mansion then decided they wanted to rebel so skipped across the other side of town knowing they will always have the financial backing or the opportunity to move home. I understand the intent to write this article but gee whizz is it corny and lame !
Haha chiiiill – my parents are from Thornbury, I grew up on the Gold Coast, then I moved to Brunswick… does that fit your mould of who is and isn’t acceptable to live in the north better?
then why do you write like an east side stuck up who has had a revelation ?
You also need to distinguish between north and inner north, ie. Fitzroy, Brunswick, probably even Northcote these days. Above and beyond the fact that no one can survive on the kind of lifestyle you describe here, that’s doubly true in parts of the city that are fully gentrified.
Holy fucking Jesus that was some classist hipster bullshit from a rich girl who “slummed it” for a year and now reckons she’s a bohemian.
Also tell your racist friend that appropriating Native American culture is like the least Northside thing you can do so knock it off.
Ahhh, Melbourne – such a clique-y place! I’ve grown up here most of my life (Richmond, Collingwood, Flemington) and whilst I love the humour of this piece, the whole anti-“eastie” slant is despicable! Grow up! North, inner-north, west, outer west, inner east, south-north, yah-dee yah-dah! We’re all Melbournites, not effin’ Crips and Bloods!
Thanks Gemma, pissed myself laughing. I’d also like to thank Sam. Sophie, Michael, Ben and Alex for their insightful critiques of the piece, which also caused a little pant wetting. Keep it up guys, the North just wouldn’t be the same without you.
Irony is a beautiful thing eh Alex.
Hi Gemma
Great article I had a real good laugh at this one! It describes a bit of myself and friends at various stages since I moved here from Perth 4 years. Its truly the good life living in Melbournes north. 🙂 I’ll just point out I always pay for Lentils though it was pretty sad when they lost $4000 after Rainbow Serpent this year! It seems most of the people in the comments section don’t understand satire….
Hi Gemma
thanks for the insightful read. Its good to know there are still young people around who can think for themselves. You have described myself and friends 40 years ago living the life in Carlton, Fitzroy, Parkville or Kensington. Why is Melbourne still the capital of bohemia? Why are young people drawn to alternative life styles? Keep up with the writing, you have an enquiring mind and a good eye for detail. Lots of love from the other side of 60.
Apparently the people in the comments have no understanding of what a satirical piece is. I think you write like a true Northy. As someone who also grew up in the north but moved away for a couple of years, I’m looking forward to moving back soon but I’m also a bit scared to be back in the middle of it. That could just be the permanent mental scarring I have from living in Hawthorn for two years, though.
So much nitpicking in the comments, settle on the righteousness
So nothing has changed in the last 20 years
I second that! Lentils is a fantastic place where absolutely everyone can get a meal no matter how much cash they have. Don’t abuse the privilege or it won’t be there for those who genuinely need it to survive.
Melburnians, surely?
True Aldi aficionados will know that there are no aisle numbers, only a layout which doesn’t change throughout the world.
i can’t believe she is trying to defend this image, just wow.
I think you need to school some of your readers on the meaning of satire. This is not a satirical piece, it is mostly fact with a smattering of humour. If it was satire, I might not also have also taken such offense to your advice to n00bs to rip off Lentil As Anything. Lay off you pretender, pick on someone your own size, not a struggling business that is servicing those in actual need. It was not meant for priveleged, selfish white arsehats like you and your mates and who think it is cool to pretend you are poor. Go back to the Gold Coast.
Hey this is so true i cant believe it haha youve truely grasped the spirit of melbourne!
I would love a FREE THE BUSH shirt, how do i buy it?
This is brilliant, tongue in cheek look at the area, can’t believe so many people are getting their knickers in a knot over this.. +5 chest hairs for you
how is it satire, or what does it matter if it is satire, when it’s a perfect 1:1 representation of actual insufferable hipsters, it’s just more garbage nobody needed
If, like me a few years ago, you reached the point of not being able to afford Lentils, definitely volunteer and in time you might be able to earn a Volunteer Stipend. Got me back on my feet!
What a well written satirical piece. I feel lots of your audience have failed to see the satire in this piece. Gemma is just putting out there what really happens. The lentils thing as sad as it is, is true. So many people eat with the intention of paying next time etc. So this is not promoting it. Its making us see a light hearted view of the truth. I feel a lot of you above have attacked unnecessarily and really need to get the fuck off your soap boxes and see the writing for what it is.
Well done Gemma I look forward to many more of your articles.
Hi Gemma,
First of all I would like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed your article on the antics of the northerners with its satire and subtle mockery of those who pursue such a lifestyle. Your descriptions are pretty spot on and I found myself having a cheeky chuckle at some of the things you’ve written.
However, I’d like to say that your focus on Lentil as Anything as a place to grab a free feed is a bit off and inappropriate to relate to this theme even as satire. As a volunteer at Lentil, I understand while many people are unable to pay for their food it is not simply just another option when you are lacking funds and not actually disadvantaged. The other workers at Lentil as Anything are either refugees or asylum seekers who are trying to earn their right to stay in Australia or become an Australian citizen. As another comment mentioned, Lentil made a loss of around $4,000 during the Rainbow Serpent weekend which reflects the real world views and ideas some people have of Lentil that are outlined in this article.
As an alternative, may I suggest that you also make it clear that people are able to volunteer some of their time if they are unable to pay (especially if they have a lot of “me time”). This will help to reinforce the idea that Lentil as Anything is a community rather than a service that helps reach out to those less fortunate and resonates the philosophy that the food brings people together regardless of belief and socio-economic status (among other things).
Lentil is a great place and it would be a shame to see its philosophy of “pay as you feel” being exploited – communities require contributions to keep on going.
Apart from that, a great and entertaining article – thanks! 🙂
Hey Gemma, loved everything in this article (except the picture of your friend in the headdress, like how many times do we have to explain cultural appropriation and racism to people before they stop doing something so ignorant?). I’m not from the North side but I visit a lot and you are totally correct. You’ve hit the nail on the head in so many ways. And yeah guys, pay for Lentils, its frikin cheap anyway. Makes me sick how many people don’t. Don’t be a scumbag.
is this whole this satire? I sure hope it is.
This angers me so much.
If people really think this is what living on the Northside is like then they are never going to fit in.
I know many, many people who manage to have good jobs and still persue creative endeavours when they aren’t working.
Bratty, spoilt people like this are who annoy the people living here and then we get accused of being self righteous and clique-y because we don’t like disrespectful people coming into our communities.
And we all pay SOMETHING at Lentils cos you know…being socially aware isn’t just a past time while we’re having our ‘bohemian experience’.
If you think this article is great and makes you want to move here. Please don’t…go and ‘find yourself’ somewhere else but be respectful and socially aware about it. And be politically active because you believe in something…not because you think it’ll make you fit in.
Ditto that – Preston has a lentils cafe now and its fair share of northside hobos. Cheaper housing and good public transport, it was only a matter of time.
Because she grew up on the Gold Cost not on the Northside.
One thing I find interesting is that everyone is judging the validity of Gemma’s opinion because she’s from the “east” or the “Gold Coast”; so she must be small-minded, rich and stuck up. Bit of a generalisation don’t you think? Would you be as quick to judge on this basis if she was from Tehran or Dublin? Or if she was born in Brunswick? I live in Northcote now, and I think this article sums up exactly the life everyone I know here leads. Oh, but I was born in Sydney, so my opinion wouldn’t count and I should probably “go back where I came from”…
It’s official – the ‘contiki-ism’ of the north has begun (hence all the backpacker joints popping up in Brunswick! It’s like St Kilda all over again!).
Very Northside to be so self-righteous about not being rich (and thus a cunt, because people who have money all are, right?). Do you even sub-Saharan Africa, bro? It can get almost as cringeworthy as Brooklyn here.
I like that people get angry at this satire piece because it is exactly what the North is like.
the North sucks, at least the South has a stinky beach.
(I live in the East, it’s quiet and rent is cheap due to lack of cool guy tax. 3123 4eva)
r u offended wittw baby?
This is just perfect
I spent 25 of 50 years northside of Melbourne. Judging by the comments of the “Northerners”, it sounds utterly intolerable.
Fuckin Die ..,.
Fuck the younger generation up its own arse
I’m still not convinced by the claims of this article being satire.
“Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement.”
Well it does, but it not how the author intended.
To rent a unit in “acceptable” Fitzroy is the same price as a unit in a rich area like Brighton.
http://www.domain.com.au/group/press_release/melbournes-expensive-rental-suburbs/
And if you have that kind of cash to be spending on such digs – shame on you for throwing some coin to a non-profit like Lentil as Anything. Oh wait…you’ll need to save that cash for that $157 ticket to Yemaya (yeah, we’re slumming it maaaaaan).
Just be honest. If you want to live in the inner city for the lifestyle, that’s fine. If you’re young, then you want to have access to where the action is (or was 7 years ago before the professional class bought everything up). If you want to give helpful advice to non-Melbournians, then it’s pointless “slumming it” in an expensive area when you could live in a more affordable area like Preston and still be on the 86 tram line.
Keep the northside the fuck away from me if its anything like you have described. What a fucking nightmare. I felt dirty and gross just reading this. Also have you never been on the internet? Don’t try and defend that headdress. Theres a big difference between “paying homage” and trying to be the cutest gal at the festival
amen. get your shit together “global hobo”. utterly disrespectful.
you need to chill out and smoke a bong or something brooo
Too funny. So many people dont get satire
Cesspit of mediocrity that is the Gold Coast, copywriting gold there Oliver. 🙂
Gemma Clarke, would you marry me?
Can’t wait to celebrate Australia Day in Melbourne with my southern-cross boardies this January 26, even better knowing it annoys the hobos. ‘Straya mate!
But seriously, your description of hobo life doesn’t sound enticing at all. It is dissapointing to realise that its a joke for so many to Bludge off centrelink payments which just burdens taxpayers.
Very Sad
Definite possibility
if you love cats, how about we get married this Saturday at Lentil Abbotsford 4:42pm ?
Disaster. I hate cats and I now live in Bali, approx 7000km from Lentils…