Over the past five years, I have stayed at many youth hostels because they are invariably cheap, like myself.
In that time, I have witnessed many a hazy hook-up, cheating scallywags, broken promises and fanciful fables. I have questioned the potential transmissibility of sexual diseases via the toilet seat, and wondered whether it is possible to find real love in the ever-transient, bleary-eyed world of backpackers.
Although far from a definitive list, here are some observations that I have made over the last little while which may help you in distinguishing a feisty little fling from something more…
- She takes off her top and dances on the bar for a free shot of sweet alcoholic goo – I’M SORRY, SHE’S NOT THE ONE. (BUT HELL, IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN HER NAME – DON’T FRET TOO MUCH – SHE WON’T CARE.
BUT… If you and your lady friend share a laugh deriding aforementioned dancing girl and wondering whose bunk-bed she will end up in – YOU MAY HAVE FOUND YOURSELF A KEEPER.
- You need put in ABSOLUTELY no further effort than buying her a cocktail to score an invitation back to her room or the closest (relatively) uninhabited space – there’s a good chance you’re not the only one she has slept with in the hostel, on that night. – IN THE WORDS OF RON BURGUNDY, ¨…THAT’S NOT LOVE.¨
BUT… If she wants to engage you in conversation and you’re surprised by her wit and charm – get over your surprise, get your coat and book yourself into the classiest three-star hotel room you can find – SHE COULD JUST BE THE ONE (AND IF NOT, AT VERY LEAST, YOU PROBABLY WON’T BE TRYING TO CHEW YOUR ARM OFF FIRST THING IN THE MORNING).
- She proudly confesses to being a fan of Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) or is impressed by listening to one of the many knuckle-heads I have detailed below proudly describe his violence towards another man – SHE’S F**KED.
HOWEVER… If she abhors violence BUT gently elbows you in the ribs or further below, don’t stand there like a chump – SHE’S NOT THAT MUCH OF A PACIFIST. AND YES, DISCRETION IS A RARE QUALITY IN THESE PLACES AND COUNTS FOR A LOT. SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE, CHAMP.
- AND… FINALLY, IF she compares life to a penis (For instance, she says things like – ¨Life is like a c***, when it’s hard, f*** it¨) – SHE’S DEFINITELY NOT THE ONE.
- He shows you the piercing/tattoo on his balls and/or arse before asking you for your name or what you do – NOT THE ONE.
BUT… If he has a cool tattoo of a tribal bird on his left shoulder, he obviously has fine taste, and is an intelligent but – above all – humble man.
- He can’ t pronounce your name by the third try, he’s a retard. If this is your thing – power to you – but for the rest of you – BEST NOT TO TAKE HIM HOME TO MEET MUM AND DAD.
BUT…If he really seems more interested in starting a conversation with you than checking out the fit of your jeans – he’s NOT, he’s just a damn good liar, BUT at least when the sex dies down in years to come, you’ll have something to talk about with him.
- If he isn’t shy to vomit, piss or fart in front of you before asking you your name or where you hail from – I’M SORRY, BUT GET OUT BEFORE YOU FIND YOURSELF MARRIED TO THE LOSER AND NURTURING HIS CHILDREN WHOM YOU WILL LOVE, ALBEIT BEGRUDGINGLY.
BUT… If you’re drunk and he holds up your hair while you vomit, laughs off the spittle you just sprayed on his sleeve, or just generally appears to care for you wellbeing – guess what, THINGS ARE STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR YOU.
Help me add to this list, hobos!