Beijing: Beijing World Park

Beijing: Beijing World Park

Get There: Fengtai, 花乡丰葆路158号. Take bus T7, 477, 480, 692, 967, 969, 840, 913, or 959 or jump on subway line 9 to Guogongzhuang station.
Cost: CNY100(20AUD) in high season; CNY65 in low season (13AUD)
Open: 5:30am to 5:00pm in high season (20th Apr. to 31st Oct.); 8:00am to 4:30pm in low season (1st Nov. to 19th Apr.)

Ever wanted to visit each of the world’s tourist hotspots on a decrepit and cripplingly underwhelming scale in just one day? Just can’t satisfy that innate urge to collapse in tears in front of a slave elephant performing painful stunts for morally reprehensible tourists, pausing only to scour the dusty concrete ground for something to eat? Be you betrothed without a Taj Mahal as your wedding photo’s background or just hankering for a lazy Sunday stroll about the galaxy’s most happening planet, at Beijing World Park (北京国家园), your round-the-world ticket comes at just 100元($20AUD) and is an eye-watering insight into the inexplicables of the Red Nation’s capital- and indeed beyond.

For an extra 80元 per hour($16AUD)revelers can rent their very own wheels, by way of an unfathomably shit electric death cart. Honk incessantly at your ambling adversaries like a real Beijinger en route to your first destination, Russia, where the Red Square is crap and your photos even worse! Be sure to stop off at the café, where steamy instant noodles are an overpriced nod to overpopulation.

Nauseous and fragile, your next stop off is Olde Manhattan, which complete with Twin Towers and Statue of Liberty offers a delightfully macabre throwback to pre 9/11 New York. Traditionally girt by its neighbouring Golden Gate Bridge, Grand Canyon and also Holland, Olde Manhattan truly is Alicia Keys’ “concrete jungle, dead dreams it’s made of”.

Follow the hallowed brick road for another period of time and arrive in style at arguably the world’s most charming megalopolis, Europe. As in the real city of Europe, there are three couples wedding per other citizen. Do I hear wedding bells? Yepo! They’re yours so get mingling! A quick panorama will give you unprecedented views of Europe’s architectural triumphs, including the Eiffel pole, Notre Dumb, Groanhenge, the Parthenon-event,  and the Collosemen – as well as the remains of the at last felled London Bridge.

coloseum

How can it get any better you sob? You are now at the Federation of Oceania/Africa, complete with resplendent Sydney Harbour Bridge, Easter Island and irrevocably offensive Afro/Pacific tribe hut! Cuddle a noble savage, or simply watch it honing its primitive arts and craft skillset from the comfort of the Opera House- atta boy! Do remember to be careful with that camera – international tribeslore states that snapping these curious creatures could incite a reactionary hexing of the photographer. But hey- if you must, take a moment to turn that flash off 😉

“Can we go home now?!” wept sad Billy. No Billy, you absolutely cannot, for at Beijing World Park, they’ve saved you the best for last. Jetlagged but enlightened, you have arrived at your final destination, the Great Wall of China (World Wonder #5). Smaller than its larger counterpart, this Great Wall of China is traversable in just three human minutes, and for those of you historians out there, you can rest assured that them Mongols were identified and detained at the main gate. Just like the real Great Wall this too cannot be seen from the moon, but from atop its winding path, the triumphant explorer enjoys an uninterrupted 360 degree view of planet Earth, a truly poetic vantage point from which to review your day’s circumnavigation.

Beijing World Park is located an unreasonably long cab ride from central Beijing and is an absolute must for anyone who fancies themselves a ‘worldie’. For more information – actually, that’s about it.

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