Only Pulling Aussies Overseas

Only Pulling Aussies Overseas

So you’re overseas and an exotic someone catches your hobo eye like a discount sign in the supermarket. You start a conversation, hoping your in-depth knowledge of goon sack varieties will lead to getting her in the sack. All of a sudden, you realise she doesn’t know what a goon sack is, and she probably thinks when you asked if she’d like your goon sack in her mouth that you’re being dirtier than you intended.  And it hits you: the difficulty of pulling someone not from Australia. For those of you playing at home, playing on the road, and certainly to those of you playing with yourselves, here’s why you’re struggling to pick up foreigners.

The main barrier is obviously language. To be fair, this barrier isn’t even limited to trying to pull someone foreign; it’s also entirely relevant within Australia. Have you ever tried to pull someone from Byron? It’s fucking impossible – the genetically blessed assholes that were lucky enough to fall from a vagina onto the sands of The Pass realised how superior they were, and developed a language to exclude those of us born on the less attractive coastlines. If you can’t communicate with someone, it’s fairly difficult to charm the pants off them (unless you’re incredibly good looking or they’re Jason Derulo and all they really need to understand is when you talk dirty to them).

There’s also a huge clubbing culture clash, and lets be honest, unless you’re traipsing through Tinder, the clubs are mainly where you’re going to try and pick someone up. The issue here is what is considered “normal”. In Australia, men tend to stand against walls unless they are pinging off their heads, in which case they pull out moves reminiscent of Dr Karl at Kanye. If The Inbetweeners is anything to go by, British men also lack the ability to dance, only they prefer to look like dickheads in unison whilst doing so. In South America, the norm is to shake your ass in a way that is both terrifying and transfixing, but mainly terrifying. Naturally, if you’re at a club and a hot Brazilian chick walks in, she’s going to expect you to bust out some moves. When she discovers you dance like a dad at a BBQ, she’s probably going to assume your dick performs just as poorly.

Let’s just say you do speak the same language – things should be easy then, right? Wrong, particularly if your go to move is to charm them with your sense of humour (which, realistically, is all I’ve got). Unfortunately for Aussie guys on the road, not every girl is jumping out of her elephant pants when the word “cunt” punctuates the end of each sentence. Humour is incredibly different across the globe. Brits love dry humour, Australians are crude racists and Germans simply don’t understand what laughter is, so instead of struggling through your inebriated state to make sense to someone from a different culture, you find yourself being lazy and bonding over your love for and your hatred of Tony Abbott’s ears, and voila, the exotic chick across the room is forgotten and you and the biddy from Bondi are banging.

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