How To Fuck Up International Travel
1. Before leaving, go on a weeklong bender (in the grass)
A great way to prepare for a long-haul flight is to go camping. Ideally, pick a location that is remote – the Australian wilderness, perhaps. If possible, organise this camping to be at a music festival, because being grossly hung-over and sleep deprived provides for a solid headspace to launch yourself into important, pivotal, “find yourself” type journeys.
2. Don’t check the expiry date on your passport
Lets face it, passports are overrated – bureaucratic, nonsensical documents that supposedly provide elusive ideals, such as “national security” and “border control”. One way to really stick it to the man (Tony Scabbit, if you will, and you will) is to try and leave the country on an expired passport. Admittedly, the chances that you’ll actually get out are quite slim, but the expression on that check-in assistants face when you rock up at the airport for your flight only for her to sadly tell you, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t let you on the plane,” is priceless – how could she be so cruel?
3. Contract Bronchitis
In the week following that, you’ll need to organise a new passport (at a minor cost of $360 plus processing fees), get little sleep and ride your bike in hail storms, so as to develop an infection in your bronchi. If possible, do this at a time when a new virus is creating havoc in a third world country. This will help to frighten immigration officers and fellow passengers alike when you eventually do begin your journey.
4. Eat Valium on the plane
Soon after you do begin said journey, cease to be conscious. This helps relief any tension you might have about your position – you know – hurtling through the atmosphere at a thousand miles an hour, soaring across countries you’ve never even heard of. A great way to cease consciousness is through Valium, or “chill pills” as they’re otherwise known.
5. Drink alcohol on the plane
Should you wake up mid-flight unable to put yourself back to sleep by way of construction-site earplugs and glad-wrap textured blankets, try having a drink! If you don’t feel sleepy, get flirty with an attractive flight stewardess. One line you might like to use, particularly if you’re en-route to Spain, is, “More like alco-HOLA! Amirite?”
6. Wear clothes that suit the opposite climate of your destination
For example – if travelling to a hot climate, invest in a heavy pair of denim overalls, because there’s no better way to impress new friends and keep your temperament down then by sweating more than a nun at a cucumber stall.
7. Ensure directions to house are glanced at briefly
When receiving directions to your new house, don’t bother to double-check them, particularly if the person giving them to you is half drunk. There’s few better ways to fall in love with a new exotic city then by storming around in the heat, your levels of disorientation matched only by those of your jet lag.
8. Work for Stoke Travel
If going overseas to work, be selective with your employer. Secure, corporate and responsible companies are ideal – Stoke Travel undoubtedly being one such organisation. There’s a sign on the wall that says “ANNUAL GOALS: BEER”.