The Hobo Guide to Long-Haul Travel
As someone who is lucky enough to spend a solid amount of time traveling, I am aware that my lifestyle is fairly void of complaint, and any issues which do arise tend to solidly fall under the category “First World Problems”. One such issue is the hated necessity of long-haul travel when roaming on a budget.
I tend to consider myself a master of killing 12 hours comfortably, and whilst this may not be the most productive of skills, it is certainly a useful one to have on the road. Below are seven tips for making your long haul journey at the very least endurable.
1. Always bring your own food, especially if you’re on a long haul flight. Let’s be honest, plane food is pretty much the food equivalent of watching The Voice because your internet has capped so you’re fucked for streaming Game of Thrones: it leaves much to the imagination and lacks satisfaction. It’s also way more expensive than your usual hobo meal at home, so grab some great, cheap take-away and actually enjoy what you’re eating while saving a few bucks.
2. When sitting on a bus, to ensure you end up with the seat next to you free, pretend to sleep with one leg sprawled across the seat next to you. Fellow passengers will likely attempt to sit anywhere else before having the uncomfortable task of waking you up, increasing your shot at lapping up the luxury of having the ultimate leg room for the next however many hours. To improve the chances of this being successful, sit near the front of the bus: people are more than likely going to walk past you in an attempt to find a less awkward person to sit next to.
3. If you’ve travelled extensively on a budget, chances are you have perfected the art of sleeping absolutely anywhere: from stone-cold airport floors to innumerable buses, trains, planes and whoever’s dorm bed you may end up in. If not, try staying up the night before your bus/flight/train so that you snore the hours away by default. Even better, try popping a sleeping tablet or smoking a joint – just do what you gotta do to pass an easy eight hours.
4. Never underestimate the importance of snacks. It’s a given that you are going to get travel fat, and most of this is going to happen while you sit idly for numerous hours on transport eating your weight in candy.
5. Grab the first blanket and pillow available to you and dedicate space in your bag to always having this with you. Although this may mean you have less space in your bag for the aforementioned all-important candy, this is a necessity.
6. Long-distance travel is one of the few times it is socially justifiable to practically wear your pyjamas in public, so dress as comfortably as possible. While this may impact your chances of ever joining the mile high club, it is a small sacrifice to make to be comfortable.
7. When you spot a child on your bus/plane/train, run in the opposite direction. Seriously, put as much distance between you and the screaming, oblivious little asshole who is going to disturb any sort of peace you have worked towards achieving by following the above tips provided.