The Trim Traveller

The Trim Traveller

Like many hobos, I have an insatiable appetite for adventure, an unquenchable thirst for new experiences, a wanderlust that eats at me, consumes me.

Hand in hand with this goes my insatiable appetite for tapas, potentially lethal street-food and explosive curries, plus my unquenchable thirst for sundown(/sun-up) sangria and exotic dollar beers. Suffice it to say that during my stints abroad, it is more my ever-expanding booty that eats at me…

I am not alone in this, and with so many hobos heavily reliant on their pulling power when finding a place to “sleep” in a foreign city, it is vitally important to be treating one’s body like the temples we traipse through.

The solution is at hand however, without further ado I present to you the health-conscious (vain) hobo’s guide to keeping that rig in mint condition!

Go Easy on the Alcohol.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, relax I’m totally kidding. Unrealistic fad “deprivation” diets like this one are simply not sustainable, and will only result in you binging more at a later date. Try the healthy option: binge-drink right off the bat and make sure you’re too hung-over the following day to eat a thing.

No Clean Eating
I don’t care if your Instagram feed is exploding with pictures of protein shakes that look like delicious cement: clean eating is not, repeat not, the answer. The only green smoothie I want to see in your hand is a minty mojito. Other than that, the secret to shedding those creeping pounds lies in dirty eating. That’s right, put your faith in the street food gods, and rest happy knowing that the inevitable food poisoning from that slightly dodgy 4am kebab or the probably-dog curry you just ate will work wonders for your waistline.

Tea and Coffee
Caffeine, man – is there anything that shit isn’t good for? Whether you need to overcome jetlag, survive a hangover, rally for your next night out, or in this case, speed your metabolism up, caffeine’s got you covered. I don’t actually know if that works, but hey: you’re traveling – you need to buy a coffee so you can use the free WiFi anyway…

Sleep Through Breakfast
Bam! You’re down to two meals a day, and let’s face it, that’s all your hobo ass can afford.

Use that Aussie Skin to your Advantage
Everyone knows that a healthy tan instantly takes off five kilos (well if you didn’t, you do now). In such countries as Iceland and Ireland, 99% of citizens regard the ability to tan as akin to wizardry, and as such they simply are not wise to such trickery. Abuse this.

Shots
Shots are a negative calorie food, much like celery. All calories consumed are burned off in the activities that ensue…

Find the Motivation to Exercise
It doesn’t matter what country you’re in, you simply need to get creative in giving yourself a reason to run. In Mexico? Just get on the bad side of the cartels. In France? Insult the national language. Russia? Go through your experimental phase. You’ll be pounding the pavement in no time (or they’ll be pounding it with your face).

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