An Open Letter
Sorry for having sex next to your face (in three different hostels)
Please accept this letter as my formal apology for what happened on the island of Koh Phi Phi, Thailand, the island of Koh Phangan, Thailand and the island of Sydney, Australia in the year of 2012. Since then, I have had plenty of time to think long and hard about what happened on those three fateful nights and how the psychological trauma of having two people make sweet love next to your face might have affected you both mentally and emotionally.
I am ashamed to admit that during the first incident, I and my coitus partner-to-be crawled over your slumbering body not once but twice in a misguided attempt to prevent the shaking of dodgy hostel bunk beds and fetch blankets with which to warm our naked loins. Even though you were passed out from what I am certain was an unhealthy dose of alcohol, I would like to apologise nonetheless. In retrospect, I believe the situation resulted from a multitude of highly alcoholic party buckets, poor sense of judgment and lack of basic social skills.
Alas less than a month later, a second incident occurred. Although it may not lessen the pain I have caused you, I implore you to understand that I had started to form quite the attachment to rubbing naked bits with your best friend while under the influence of alcohol. His British accent, very nice arms and the fact that I would probably never see him again after our time on the Thai islands spurred on the nymphomaniac within that seemed to only surface when dangerous levels of mixed spirits were consumed.
Please know that it was not my intention to cause any damage or inconvenience; however, when travelling one must make do with a lack of hotel beds to fornicate in and it was simply an unfortunate circumstance that on this second occasion, the only bed in the room was the one in which you were already dreaming upon. Even though it was a large bed and you were perhaps more passed out (some would say clinically dead) than the first incident, I regret making unwashed backpacker love next to your snoring face.
Finally, I wish to offer my heartfelt sympathies for the events on that final night in Sydney, Australia. If I had realised that these brief naked moments with a British backpacker while travelling in the land of Thai would have resulted in the naked dance being performed on my home soil, I might have thought a little more carefully about where our night of magic was going to take place. Regrettably, once again, a humble top bunk bore the full weight of our 3am copulation and you, being under it, bore the full emotional weight. I wish it could have gone another way, but I am sure you can see that it just wouldn’t have been right for me to turn down the chance to consummate our travelling relationship in the land of green and gold. I hope you can understand.
While none of these explanations can ever really excuse what occurred on those ill-fated evenings in the shimmering heat of Thailand or on the shores of #STRAYA, I am hoping this letter is reminiscent of my regret, and goes a small way in making it up to you.
If nothing else, at least know this: realising the hurt and deep psychological damage that I have caused has ensured that I will never copulate with your Brit based bestie in your presence again…
unless you’re entrapped in a very deep slumber and our sparse hostel offers no other options.
What can I say – travelling can make deviants of us all.