Before you Take the Hobo Leap…
Travelling is great. Like, really great. I mean, what other excuse can you continually use to delay your entry into the “real world” whilst still keeping your parents content? “This will be so good for future employees to see Mum!” “Its about broadening my horizons Dad!” (suckers).
But before you take your leap into the depths of hobo land and have your hair braided by a Balinese man, here is some loving advice from yours truly:
1. You’re probably going to get fat
Let’s not beat around the bush: you’ll barely have enough money to buy soap to wash yourself, yet always have enough money for cheap vodka, even cheaper wine and close to undrinkable moonshine. The weeks are merely made up of two days: Saturday nights and Sunday mornings. And when your Saturday nights consist of such a wholesome and nutritionally-rich liquid diet, it’s the next morning where things go haywire. Nothing goes better with a huge serve of hangover than a side of 7am chips and gravy, a pre-packaged questionable surprise from Walmart or some form of cured meat platter served by an old lady in a European hostel that has so much salt on it that it’s probably 1000 years old.
When your main focus is to drink your money away and you’re also lucky enough to be staying at a hostel where breakfast is provided, then it will probably mean your diet will resemble something of an endurance athlete:
Breakfast: Four pieces of toast because you’re hungover;
Snack: Bread roll stolen from breakfast;
Lunch: Two more bread rolls stolen from breakfast;
Snack: A bite of an old apple you also stole from breakfast, but you only did so to feel good about eating another two bread rolls; and
Dinner: One more bread roll for good measure and to congratulate yourself that you didn’t spend any money on food today.
So, when you realise that being a hobo is more “drinking games” than “Hunger Games”, just hope to God your parents notice you at the airport when you arrive home, because that my friends, can be a very awkward situation!
2. Material and festival bracelets are cool for about three minutes
We get it, you went to a festival overseas and it was awesome. You got so wasted you left the entry bracelet on to remind yourself that you did indeed see a rad band play and that those last 12 hours were infact accounted for. Then, while you were in Mexico, you added a weird looking “friendship” bracelet to your collection that you and your bestie thought looked totally cool with the words “Muy Bueno” on it. Just a tip – no one cares you went to Coachella in 2003. Take off the bracelets and enjoy the memories through your heavily-filtered Instagram photos if you have to.
3. Live for the free pouring
As soon as you leave Australian shores, don’t forget to say a fond farewell to our ridiculously strict RSA laws and hello to a world of free pouring goodness. When you ask for a vodka cranberry, don’t expect a vitamin C hit whatsoever or a memory of the rest of the night. Good bless the Europeans!
4. Humour the locals
So a bit of a geographical lesson for you all: Australia is fucking huge! Like, pretty much the size of the States and Europe. We are also a fucking long way from anything, so play up to the locals and tourists who ask you stupid questions, because it definitely will give you a few laughs.
“Oh you’re from Australia… do you know my Uncle’s daughter’s son’s pet rabbit from some remote town in Western Australia?’
“Yes, yes I do.”
“OMG you flew from Sydney? Did it take you, like, four days to get here?’
“Yes it did. It was like 2004 when I left.”
“Your English is really good!”
“Yeah – native Australian tongue wasn’t really getting me anywhere, so thought I’d learn a new language.”
These are all legitimate questions I have been asked numerous of times, so have your answers ready… they’ll believe anything!
5. If in doubt, say you’re from NZ
I was in a taxi once in LA, and after being taken to the wrong place and asking if my driver could indeed take me to where I had asked, the beautiful American soul turned around and said, “I’m not a fucking bus! Where are you even from?” “NZ!” I screamed, before running out. And that is my final piece of advice: always deflect from being Australian if you’re doing something wrong. It’s the Australian thing to do.
Travel well my friends!