The Hobo Guide to Norway
How to travel the most expensive country in Europe without saying “farvel” to every cent you’ve ever earned.
Norway is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful places I have visited, but also unfortunately one of the most expensive. If, like myself, you can’t get past the idea of beautiful fjords (and insanely good-looking citizens), then here’s what you’ve got to do to make sure you’re not re-enacting the “Help me I’m poor” scene from Bridesmaids on the way out.
1. Think of Norway as a detox of sorts. Alcohol and cigarettes are incredibly out of your price range, and don’t even think about trying to get a pizza ($22 for a small is the most bullshit thing I have ever seen). If this sounds inconceivable, your best way forward is going to be to bring in as much as you possibly can from Norway’s neighbouring, also highly expensive countries. After Norway, Denmark and Sweden’s cost of living seems comparable to that of Eastern Europe.
2. Avoid flying like you have Pteromerhanophobia. You can get an overnight bus from Germany to Copenhagen and an overnight ferry across to Oslo from there, which – if you book in advance – is pretty reasonably priced. Plus, overnight travel means you’re not losing precious day time and get to crash for free. The food on board was wildly expensive, but the buffet style means you can pocket as much food as you can to get you through Norway. If you’ve recently been through an airport, I suggest grabbing the clear bags used to store liquids and chucking in as much muesli/coffee etc. as you can.
3. Rent a car, get a sleeping bag and just concede that this is your home for your time here and legs don’t really need to stretch anyway. Norway is all about the natural beauty, so having your own car to get lost among the fjords is the best way to go anyway. The only set back being you may miss out on opportunities to meet Norway’s other natural beauties.
4. Should you manage to meet someone from the confines of your car, congratulations – that’s really fucking hard to do unless Norwegians react differently to dickheads beeping and shouting out obscenities from a car window. You’ve come this far, so make sure you’ve recently snuck into a campsite shower so ensuring the Scandinavian god/goddess-like occupants aren’t horrified by the smell of you.
5. Quit being thrifty and go dogsledding. There’s nothing worse than traveling all the way to a country and talking yourself out of an experience thanks to the cost. It’ll cost you a shitload more to come back and do what you wanted, so suck it up and eat dry muesli for another week.