Kuta: Alleycats

Kuta: Alleycats

Get There: Poppies 2, Kuta
Cost: Your sexual health, self-respect, liver etc.
Open: 9:30 – midnight

Bali is renowned for its amazing surf, perfect sunsets, beautiful locals, unlimited bargains and most importantly, its wild night life: just watch A Current Affair to find out. The wildest of its nightlife begins at the famous Alleycats. Hidden in the heart of Kuta off a side street on Poppy’s 2 lies beyond intoxicated memories from foreigners worldwide. With the owners motto, “Nothing good happens after midnight,” this place is by far the cheapest, rowdiest and most addictive pre-drinking bar in Bali. Once you manage to find this guilty pleasure, your first impression leaves you speechless. The interior resembles a schoolyard, filled with benches and stools both inside and out.

The entertainment includes 50-cent packets of cards, a pool table and a laptop playing the latest pop, lock and dropping beats. Alleycats couldn’t be further from classy; with its extremely casual attire, standards are at an all-time low.

Dress code: anything goes. You can even rock a Bintang singlet with matching board shorts, and nobody will be capable of judging. So I’m sure you’re questioning, “What exactly is so appealing about this place?”

Firstly, the potent array of cheap, cheap drinks leaves you legless, and who doesn’t like to get legless? My personal favourite is the infamous $1.50 double doubles. These illegal glasses of pure intoxication contain double vodka and double red bull, mixed with a much-needed red Fanta to help stomach the powerful concoction.

These deadly drinks, combined with packets of cards purchased for 50 cents over the bar, take drinking games to a whole new level.

Note to self: never sit across from a good looking guy who draws snake eyes in a game of Kings Cup. Four double doubles later and I can guarantee you won’t remember the end of the game, or worse, have any chance at seducing the babe (the perfect excuse).

In summary, if you lose Kings Cup or ‘Fuck the Bus’, you won’t remember leaving the premises and are guaranteed to vomit up your three delivery Big Mac meals in the morning – SKINNY.

On that note, Alleycats also offers a ridiculously cheap food menu. The legendary cheesy potato skins will cost you $2.50, leave you drooling at the mouth and hopefully sobering you up enough to continue in yet another drinking game, thank God.

By 9pm, the venue is filled with out-of-control foreigners, 90% of them being Australians. But at the end of the day, we’re all after the same thing: cheap alcohol (aka confidence booster), a loose time and a happy ending – all willing to “stay up all night to get lucky”.

At 12am, the manager – who is usually more intoxicated than a large majority of customers – calls last drinks and throws everyone out. This is when you leave what’s left of your dignity (if there is any, congrats) and common sense behind to roll out onto the streets and into more classier places.

The options are never ending. The smart ones choose to quit while they’re ahead (or blind) and take home with the nicest looking 7-foot tall, broad-shouldered and fake-boobed banchong for a small cost of their phone, wallet and dignity. Believe me, that is one hell of an awkward story to explain to your parents. Others choose to keep their beloved beer goggles on by grinding on true Aussie battlers rocking Bintang singlets in Eikon – #noregrets. The classier crew, who were most likely never at Alleycats in the first place, choose to avoid choking on a packet of delicious Bali cigarettes and head to the roof top of Sky Garden for a shisha session. Believe it or not, this will be one of your smarter decisions. Last but not least, my all-time favourite choice of pastime includes cage dancing and tone-deaf karaoke at the Bounty. This will result in being booed off the stage and endless embarrassing memories. So do yourself a favour and leave the phones at home, especially if you’re that wannabe Eminem with hideous rapping skills, advanced apologies.

A hint of friendly advice: stay away from the prostitutes, and if you absolutely can’t control yourself and believe that happy endings and complimentary HIVs are entirely necessary, watch your valuables. Unlike everything else in Bali, those banchongs don’t come cheap! Restrain yourself from joining the “professional dancers” when they’re performing on the bars, as just when you didn’t think it was possible, you will be kicked out. Don’t sit on the top of the cages and act like a monkey either – from experience, you’ll be attacked by staff hitting you with a broomstick or extremely large menu. Plus, to my surprise this does NOT help you pick up; weird, I know.  Think twice before you purchase pseudo ephedrine from locals on the street. too More than less of the time, they are working for the police, and unless you want to end up in the cell beside Schapelle Corby, I suggest you fix that cold elsewhere. Last but not least, watch yourself, watch your friends and even after you’re full of more alcohol than you should consume in a year, TRY to have some common sense.

Don’t be a part of the next A Current Affair ‘Raging Schoolies in Bali’ segment at the age of 23. Believe it or not, it’ll be harder to explain than being robbed by a banchong.

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