New York on a Hobo’s Shoestring
New York – whilst often regarded as one of the worlds’ most pocket-emptying cities – is an untapped resource for the certified global hobo. Admittedly, accommodation is expensive, and food – if not wisely chosen – can have serious implications on the budget you set aside for beer and bonus-level activities. But there are many cheap ways around this rich and beautiful urban jungle. Firstly, however, you must shove aside all moral teachings and return to your most bare and carnal form, adopting the three most prominent qualities of a global hobo:
1. Don’t be afraid to get dirty;
2. What happens when you have no money pertains no negative reflections of self; and
3. If you have to get naked, then so be it.
If you’re not partial to a warm hostel or hotel bed, the streets of Manhattan are one of the more acceptable and entertaining places to sleep. In fact, seeing as hostel prices are sky high and the very thought of paying for a hotel would make any hobo’s nipples tighten, perhaps the streets are the only choice. There are plenty of alcoves and cardboard boxes around to make this decision all the more feasible. Another option is staying off the borough of Manhattan. New York City has five boroughs: Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx, Staten Island and Queens, and although Manhattan is recognisably the desired option, staying in any other of these boroughs can be significantly cheaper, and also can often throw a bunch of even weirder and slightly more treacherous times at you. The third and perhaps most sought-after option is that of couch surfing. Even though this is an available entity around all corners of the globe, the fine (often actually cunty) people of New York seem quite content to house even the dirtiest of hobos.
One of New York’s biggest attractions for hobos is the old free-pour. Free-pouring is a technique adopted by various New York pubs and clubs, and is probably the direct cause of the city’s intrinsically high levels of violence and theft. But don’t let that deter you: you won’t get in a fight unless you’re being a cunt. Many bars around the East Village area play host to incredibly cheap beers and even cheaper whiskey, and depending on where you choose to go, you should be making the money back that you spent on accommodation in no time. Ordering a whiskey from any number of dingy looking pubs around the area will cost roughly $3 – $5, and more importantly, will adhere to the free-pour rules moreso than any other drink. In Australia, you will pay anywhere between $7 – $20 for a cheap whiskey’s standard nip (30ml), but in New York, the previously stated price will get you roughly 60 – 130ml, depending on how attractive you are or how in need of alcohol you present yourself as being.
The East Village area, which is rich in not only famous bars, but in its ridiculous music and art heritage as well, allows you to combine edification and inebriation in a pretty sweet and hobo-like fashion. After a night of self over-indulgence and a few too many cheap whiskey chasers, you will find yourself around any one of an endless abundance of famous music and art exhibits, which of course is also a cheaper way to do it rather than subscribe yourself to one of the many art and music tours around Manhattan.
All of this depends, of course, on your age: unfortunately America has this fucked-up rule that allows only people over the age of 21 to consume alcohol and good times in the dingy yet rocking establishments New York has to offer, and what’s worse is that they generally do enforce this rule. If you, however, are a sick cunt and have a sexy little mustached Hawaiian ID, then you are golden; and if you have an actual moustache then you’re killing it as chicks fuckin’ love that shit – no matter what they say.