Crowd Sourcing Food for the Hungry Hostel Dweller
As you sit in the hostel common room, a dishevelled shell of a human, you may look at those who are currently better off than you with a mixture of disgust and pity. Why do they spend so much money on precious, expensive food that only gets shat out the next day? Why were they all in bed when I stumbled in this morning, mute, drunk and toey as shit? What is with their righteous agenda that values sobriety and a clean tour over good times and wild experiences?
Don’t hate these fools – instead, use them as one of the many great travelling tools we have at our disposal; suckle on the teat of their moral rectitude and organisation in a way that none will scrutinise.
On my own moral (or immoral, as the case may be) pilgrimage to the mecca of beer, drugs and pansexual shenanigans – Oktoberfest – I carpooled through the beautiful but expensive country of Austria. After I was rudely slapped in the face with 20-to-25 euro hostel fees, I knew – deep in my young, hops-craving heart – that there was not enough money for beer, let alone food, while staying in the warm hostel.
Enter the crowd-sourcing hostel dweller. This is how you use the better inhabitants in the hostel to feed yourself. Firstly, spend that money that you would have spent on dinner on beer. Start drinking, and lurk somewhere you can scope out the communal kitchen. You’ll notice that the organised punters will have their food tied up in plastic bags with their names on it. That’s your target – they are so organised and stocked up on food that they could not possibly be as decadent and morally vague as yourself. Those prudes couldn’t even grasp the thought that someone would lower himself or herself to stealing small portions of their precious food.
After you have sucked down all your beers and the kitchen seems all but uninhabited, strike and strike hard. Know what you want and go in and get it. Remember that you’re running a very fine line between being a hostel-savvy scavenger lord and just a poor cunt that takes people’s food. So don’t take too much – an amount small enough for them not to notice, yet still enough to make this whole retarded operation worthwhile. Pasta is wicked – there is always some lying around and even if you can’t find sauce, butter and salt work well. If you want a real treat, toast up bread and nail some rich fuck’s questionable pâté-topped cheese.
Cook, clean and get out of there quick. Don’t get caught taking food, because it is somewhat similar to the sense of embarrassment you get when you’re caught wanking: it’s rude, kind of sad and you really can’t explain yourself. Take only when you have nothing. Also, if you have a few beers spare, share them with your amigos – it might make them feel a little better when they find out some bastard’s come in and taken half their chorizo sausage from the communal fridge in the middle of the night.
Oh and one last thing, if you meet a study abroad travelling on “daddy’s money” take everything; those ultra capitalist fucks have got money to burn.