The Monster Mash

The Monster Mash

You’ve just done it. You’re escorting the hottest girl at the hostel back to your room and giving low fives and smug faces (out of the girl’s view of course) to the boys on the way. I write the hottest girl at the hostel, but we all know she is mediocre at best. Fuck it: it’s my story, I’ll tell it how I want. You can feel the blood pumping through your body with a little extra vigour as you open the door to your room. You lay her down just like Connery and the grinding begins. Things get hot and heavy really quickly. You can tell from her moves that it’s not her first time and decide it’s probably a good idea to wrap this one. She’s reaching down. Lower. Lower. She reaches the belt. It is only now you realise that none of that blood that was pumping throughout your body ended up where it was really required, as you’re more flaccid than the rice noodles you had for dinner. She pulls a bewildered face as she reaches down below. After a few minutes of awkward pulling, pushing and hurting she walks out.

“This usually never happens,” I whimper as the door closes. #Fail.

Let’s face it gents – every time we are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to get laid, it’s important to convert; but when you’re travelling, it’s integral you take advantage of every situation that presents itself, as the male-to-female ratio can be pretty unfavourable at the best of times.  Big, small, tall, cross-eyed… who gives a fuck, really. It’s 2am, she is keen and you’re on holidays… the real problem is that you have had a few too many, so getting and staying hard can be as difficult as explaining to your roomie why he needs to take one for the team and wait outside the bedroom.

When I was 15, I use to maz about two hours before my girlfriend came over so I wouldn’t “jump the gun”. In fact, during my first experience I had to pretend I heard my parents getting home because I came after only getting the tip inside. But I tell you what, two hours later when “it’s safe – I just called dad and he’s still ages away”, I gave her the best four minutes of her life. Now, as the years have passed, I’ve learned to de-sensitise my cock, but if I’m wasted, I am still yet to be able to perform when it counts (which I must admit is 99% of the time I get laid with a new lass).

What I have come to learn, and I think what most men don’t understand, is the correlation between being able to get a John Kennedy (I don’t call my cock this – it just sounds like a strong name, sorta like Bruce). But anyway, it doesn’t necessarily come down to how inebriated you are; unless you have just schnorkled some class As, it actually has to do with how long ago you last had a maz.

If you are like me and are well acquainted with ye olde monster mash (using your four index fingers to hold your flaccid shaft whilst using your thumb to shoehorn your pathetic knob) you surely will have spoken these words a few times: “I just need a minute, I’ll get it, I’ll get it!”  I highly recommend not having a maz one or even two full days before any big night if you are hoping to entertain. Now, many of you ladies may be saying, “Is this guy fucking serious?” and your answer is, “Yes Ma’am”. Us males are quite toey creatures – we could bat at breakfast, lunch and dinner if it wasn’t for so many assholes in the office toilets. But your answer is yes: I dare say most single men would stroke at least once (if not twice) a day, so recommending they break the tradition of the morning shower maz or Redtube session is a big ask for most single gents.

Now obviously this depends on how big of a night you are actually planning on having and to whom you hope to be shagging. If it’s your GF or some rad bitch that understands and respects the term “fuck friends”, then this does not relate to you, because really – who cares if you can’t get it up. You’ve been there before and you’ll be there again, so go get your on and party your face off.

Occasionally, life will throw a lucky curveball your way, and you’ll end up picking up when you were not expecting to.  But you are worried because you had yourself a little afternoon delight and you can already feel…. well, no, you can already not feel your cock or seem to be able to pump any blood into him whatsoever. If you go into a scummy toilet cubicle and give him a quick jerk (three or four strokes) and you still can’t seem to increase your shaft mass by 2% then, “Houston, we have a problem,” and it’s going to take some of the six Ps to get you laid on this fine evening.

What are the six Ps, you ask?

Well, it’s too late for prior obviously, as you already had your afternoon delight and failed to predict the possibility of the opportunity to get laid, so we will just have to move straight onto preparation.

Preparation is critical, and you must slow your drinking down right away if you want to have any chance of entering this fine thang.  I don’t mean stop drinking, but get yourself onto a cider or vodka soda in a schooner (if anyone pulls you up on it, say it’s a double) so that you can continue to drink but not get even messier. Any other extra-curricular party activities must be completely ceased as well if you want to land this one.

Don’t even think about going back to her place if it’s avoidable, as you want to be in your own dome so you don’t get any curve balls like unnecessary “meet the roommates and de-brief on the night” chats or my (least) favourite, “Can I just cook some food real quick?” and you fall asleep on the sofa while she makes fucking couscous.

It’s also a little too late for prevention, as you know it’s going to be a tough one waking up the old boy for a night of action, but there are tactics we can roll out to increase our chances, which all have to do with our next step: poor.

Lighting – if poor is a killer!

If it’s dark in the bedroom, you may as well be rubbing up against the she-male that works at your local bottle-o, as it could actually be Jen Hawkins next to you and your cock wouldn’t even know it. Make sure you have a light on so you can see what you’re touching and you might have a chance at turning yourself on. If she is one of those self-conscious types that doesn’t want lights, then you need to be able to pull out the candles. Yep I said it, fucking candles. What? They create damn fine lighting, help mask the scent of booze and sex (fingers crossed) in the air and even help the mood.  Tunes also complement the atmosphere and mask any sounds for your roomies. But please make sure there are no words in the song – there is nothing worse than having a “lady” start rapping every word to God Bless the Dead in your ear at 3am.

If things are really on and she is comfortable enough, try and get her in the shower, as comes with heaps of perks. Now I don’t expect you to get a girl home and say, “Umm.., do you, like, want to have a shower with me?”  but if there is a hot tub, pool or ocean (a luxury that is usually nearby whilst travelling) around, a shower is an obvious stepping-stone after your dip. The biggest pluses are that you can buy yourself some extra time for old mate to wake and sober up; you are getting some solid one-on-one time so she can’t pull the, “You just want to fuck!” call; and most of all, you get to see and touch her in her bikini or undies (great for the stimulus and wake up call for the little fella). Don’t you dare think about having sex in the shower though– it’s like sex in a pool, ocean or hot tub – you can’t feel shit, and with a limp cock on your hands, you need to feel every fucking millimetre of that fine pussy if you want to have a chance of keeping him up.

If you still for the life of you can’t get it up and she knows damn well by now you are having troubles in that department, you have two options. Firstly, you can call it a night, keep your chewy or mints in your jeans within arms reach of the bed and have a crack first thing in the morning. Alternatively, if you are feeling lucky (which you are no doubt because you’re a fucking boss and you’re loaded) you can ask for a BJ. This can backfire big time, although your chances are higher because a) She is drunk and wants to get laid; b) You just had a shower, so even if she is one of those, “I’m not sucking that – you just pissed!” types, she has nothing to say; and c) She is drunk and wants to get laid. If you’re really fucked and even the BJ doesn’t work, then you’re screwed: call it a night and go back to the plan before the BJ.

In a nutshell, if you have yourself a big night coming up or you know you are going to be constantly travelling and partying, remember the six Ps and break the routine of your daily maz and hold off – it might just end up getting you laid…

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