How To Shag Your Ski Instructor
My family used to frequent Colorado most winters, 2005 being the most memorable season of them all. My daddy decided I wasn’t good enough to ski alongside the boys, and so agreed to fork out $500 a day for the instructor of my choice. Little did he know, he was basically buying me a root with Andrew, a gorgeous Californian 20 years my senior.
Nailing your ski instructor has got to be up there in the top fantasies of all time. It’s an accolade akin to landing a lifeguard, your professor or your sister’s boyfriend. Ski instructors are generally beautiful beings with great bodies and (if you’re lucky) foreign accents. Having conquered mine at a rather too young an age, I’d like to share with you some tips.
1. Physical activity is not an excuse to look like a boy
Not only are ski resorts the best place for picking up instructors, but they’re usually riddled with wealth and the male to female ratio is TDF. To this end, it would be silly to cite skiing as an excuse to wear sunscreen (only), stick your hair in a bun and throw a helmet on top. Make sure you wear glasses not goggles and avoid helmets at all cost – your instructor won’t take you down anything you can’t handle and you can’t afford for your hair to look shit come après time.
Unless you’re a heifer, invest in a pair of stretch ski pants. They look like flared jeans, and are leaps and bounds more flattering than the puffy kind, while magically remaining waterproof. I recommend having a low-cut top on ready to expose under your thermals and wearing thinner climbers’ gloves. I’ve skied like this my whole life and I’ve never been uncomfortable, really hurt myself or looked remotely unattractive.
2. Go private
I’m a believer in that if you can afford it, you should always go for private lessons over ski school. Even if it’s just one lesson – you’ll get a lot more one-on-one time with a hottie and your skiing may even improve. Nine times out of ten, the ski school instructors are female gappies who won’t even sit with you at lunch, let alone take you out to the local spots for drinks.
You can usually request specific instructors and a lot of resorts have their pictures posted online so you can scope out potential targets before you arrive.
A few recommendations:
- Whistler Blackcomb: Alex (British, 25ish, sandy blonde hair), Mike (Canadian, 30something, amazeballs head).
- Beaver Creek, Colorado: Andrew (Californian, 43, 6’6”, my personal fave)
- Vail, Colorado: Jamie (Aussie, 30ish, beautiful smile)
3. Fake it
This one can go either way, I’ve tried both and have had more success pretending I’m shit or frightened than when pretending I’m pro.
Option 1 – Damsel in Distress
I truly believe that my playing the fear card was a crucial factor leading to post-lesson coitus. I did actually fall over unintentionally, but I used my otherwise embarrassing stack as an opportunity for physical contact. I positioned myself sideways on a steep incline while Andrew whisked over with my skis. When he got to me I burst into tears and feigned that I was too scared to get back up. The result: he came from behind me (fuck yeah) and straddled his skis around mine. He held my hands, and helped me up – all the while retaining steamy over-the-shoulder eye contact with me. It was one of the most sexually charged moments of my life.
Option 2 – Daredevil
If falling over isn’t your thing (or you’ve taken my advice to not wear a helmet) you might try to win your instructor over with your overwhelming ‘I can do anything’ attitude. I can’t tell you how many instructors have told me “how nice it is to turn around and see you smiling the whole way down the run”. Treat your teacher like a friend, not someone you’re paying. Keep up with them and have a laugh and you’re practically guaranteed an invite to drinks.
4. Wine and Dine
Go for a full-day’s lesson instead of just a morning session. This will give you double the chair-lift time to flirt with him, as well as a break for lunch. I am a much better skier after a glass of wine (or three), and I’m also much more sexually forward. So long as they aren’t teaching children, instructors are always happy to join you for a bevvy over lunch.
My strategy: pick the most expensive restaurant in the resort. Instructors earn very little (despite what you get charged) and they’ll be joining you on the assumption that you’ll pay. I charged lunch with Andrew to my hotel room, and although I personally hadn’t spent a dime, he insisted on buying me drinks later that evening. Little did he know he wouldn’t have to wait that long…
5. Après Early
Feign exhaustion and hit the drinks early. This will help your struggling instructor take advantage of happy hour (read: more drinks) and you’ll be in prime position to look out for any talent making their way down the slopes. You’ll get to scope out all the other instructors who just took a morning session and there’s less competition around.
If you happen to be aged 15 in the States, navigating the bars can be a bitch. Three beers in, I was thrown out for not being able to present ID. Thankfully, beautiful Andrew offered to escort me home and we headed off in the direction of my hotel. I casually mentioned that my family wouldn’t be back for a few hours and before I knew it we were sharing a joint on Andrew’s balcony.
6. Make the first move
Technically you are your instructor’s client, so even though there may be sexual chemistry, you can’t rely on him to go in for the kill. Be bold, you’re on holiday, and unless he’s gay or married, he’s not going to reject you after all this groundwork. If he does, fire him and try your luck with someone else tomorrow.
When we were thoroughly stoned I went in for a kiss with Andrew. He kissed me back then pulled away to ask how old I was. I told I the truth and he announced that he was 35. We laughed for about ten minutes until he picked me up and took me into his rather unkempt bedroom. I wish I could tell you it was wonderful, but unfortunately he had a dodgy case of dizzy dick and couldn’t get a lasting erection.
7. If at first you don’t succeed…
Try and try again. Just kidding – we took the next afternoon off and only needed to try once. It was amazing and he invited me to a New Year’s party as his date (which at my age was a huge deal). We continued our affair, I did very little skiing for the rest of the trip and I cried when I went home a few days later
8: Work a season
As someone who enjoys no-strings attached sex with wealthy, attractive foreigners, this experience inspired me to become an instructor myself. Granted you have to wear puffy pants and your tally will increase five-fold, but working a ski season is just about the most fun you can have in the winter months. You’re guaranteed sex, sport, drinks and drugs – just don’t expect to come home with any money or dignity.