Split: Do not get in a Croatian Limo

Split: Do not get in a Croatian Limo

As a poor kent abroad, you would probably get down on your hands and knees for the chance to lap it up in the luxuries of a limousine. Whatever you do on your arrival into Split, DO NOT hop on board one of those sleek, long, black temptations. As per anything else dodgy in Eastern Europe, the persuasion will begin when some seedy locals approach you. In this case, a cheap rip-off of 007 in his hand-me-down tuxedo will ask you if you would like to take a ride in pure luxury to an undisclosed but swanky location.  “Me! Swanky? Oh you! Stop it!” you will giggle and blush.  But don’t let it get to your head, hobo. Let these lads fool you, and you will end up at a seedy brothel. No, literally a seedy brothel – that’s where they are going to take you.

Okay, so you want to get your knob and/or lips wet anyway? Why not spend that little extra cash you found you have (now that you’ve exchanged your euros) on a root and what is quite possibly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go free limousineing! No. The cash you need is more likely to be a lot raher than just a little. After agreeing to partake on this sounds-too-good-to-be-true-because-it-actually-is adventure, you will unfortunately be in the hands of the real-life Croatian Mafia. They will make you pay the equivalent of 600 euros for the bottle of champagne they force upon you, and then – and only then – will you be allowed to enter the brothel.  So gents, here’s my advice: it’s probably best just to stick with your hand for the night, or if you’re up for it, head down to the pumping promenade and try your luck.

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