Marriage Equality: The Pros and Cons

Marriage Equality: The Pros and Cons

Marriage equality is a highly-debated issue that has polarised the western world. For those of you who’ve been living under a rock, I’m talking about the debate surrounding the legalisation of same-sex-marriage, a union which, under current Australian law, is prohibited. With a voluntary postal survey on the cards for a few weeks’ time, Australians have been left wondering, What next?

So to assist with weighing up the options, I have constructed an exclusive list of the pros and cons associated with allowing same-sex couples to tie the knot.

Pro: Political equality
This one is a no brainer: marriage equality means that we receive the same legal rights in the Marriage Act as heterosexual Australians; yay us!

Con: No longer as special
What’s the point of being gay when you’re considered just the same as everyone else? Leading normal lives may leave us with withdrawals from the fun of systematic homophobia.

Pro: Locking down that silver fox cash.
For young, impressionable gay men, substantial finances can be hard to come by. With marriage equality, you can legally lock down those older professionals for long-term financial stability.

Con: Commitment
When confronted with pressure to marry by partners or family, us queerly inclined commitment-phobes had an easy excuse: “Would if I could!” Marriage equality would mean having to admit that being legally bound to another person indefinitely prompts existential angst.

Pro: Gay weddings
As you would know from watching any Bravo-produced reality show, gay men are notoriously organised, financially successful, well groomed and F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. As such, our weddings will be picture-perfect, televised events decked out with delicious yet health-conscious food, immaculately arranged functions, fashionable clothing, a perfectly choreographed first dance and a shitload of glitter.

Con: More weddings
Weddings are time consuming and expensive. More weddings would mean more faking interest in the lives of your loosely-related family and friends whilst maintaining a forced customer-service smile. This can be extremely taxing on both your cheek muscles and overall sanity.

Pro: Animal weddings
The next obvious step from marriage equality will be the legalisation of bestiality and marriage equality for animals. This means that family pet you always felt a connection with is now fair game. Put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig; put a ring on a pig, now it’s your spouse.

Con: Trivialising Christianity
Marriage equality undermines Christian values of the sanctity of the union between man and woman. However, Cardinal Pell may now be able to marry one of the many men he allegedly abused who would now no doubt be of consenting age.

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Hopefully these pros and cons can help you discern whether marriage equality is right for you. If you’re feeling unsure or overwhelmed by the debates surrounding the issue, just remember: it’s always safer to stay in the closet; skin cancer kills.

Cover by Levi Saunders