Happy Hobo Christmas – A Gift Guide
Christmas is an awful time of year. Don’t get me wrong, I love candy canes and I also love that the term ‘Silly Season’ seems to convey a legitimate excuse for day-time drinking and hangovers at work. However, what I don’t love is spending upwards of $200 on Christmas presents, how messy tinsel is and having to eat mince pies just to please my grandparents. If you’re lucky enough to be a travelling hobo at this time of year, Christmas instead gives you a legitimate excuse for not having to buy people gifts, and allows you the bonus of being hung-over on a beach or snow-capped mountain instead of at work.
I realise that my dislike of tinsel-covered-baby-Jesus makes me out to be a bit of a Grinch, which is unfortunate, because I really do love watching “Elf” and opening all the doors of my advent calendar on day one. So in order to spread Christmas cheer, (without singing loud for all to hear) I have created a Hobo gift guide, perfect for that special someone in your life who gets around more than the Ebola virus did. Just don’t expect too much in return; us hobo babes can be stingy c***s.
Sorry, Christmas cheer starting now…
Hidden Sunscreen Alcohol Flask
There is no greater gift than saving money on booze. These crafty sunscreen shaped flasks will help any hapless hobo sneak their goon into festivals, rooftop bars and sober picnics for years to come.
‘The Full Montezuma’ by Peter Moore
A gentleman after my hobo heart, Mr Moore knows how to write superb travel prose that will have you laughing so hard you snort smuggled sunscreen goon out of your nose. Perfect for the well-read hobo who needs something new to absorb on the plane.
The Little Book of Drinking Games
Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a book of creative and fun ways to get boozy with your pals. Guaranteed to make the recipient many friends in hostels around the world. Can also be kept and used for yourself to liven up Christmas day with the family.
Dr Denti First Aid Dental Kit
If your hobo friend is anything like me, they will forgo expensive dental treatment in their own country and travel to Bangkok to get cut-price fillings six months after they were due. It stands to reason that in the interim they might need a DIY solution for inevitable toothaches. Or, you know, if they chip a tooth on a bottle of Passion Pop.
Will Flirt For Gin Badge
I have one friend in particular that would do incredibly well with this badge. Eternally poor but with a devout love of gin, this badge is her ticket to a night on the Tanqueray soaked town without needing to cough up a weeks rent. Get yourself one too and tag-team the next night out.
For the hobo that shuns material possessions, this is the ultimate altruistic gesture. Just don’t buy them a real chicken. That’s not how it works. I don’t even know if you could post a live chicken to South Africa. Stick with Oxfam. They’ve got your selfless self covered.
Emergency Bicycle Rain Poncho
Travelling hobos enjoy activities. Sadly, it occasionally rains during these activities; especially if you spent all your money on accommodation and the only activity you can afford is a free outdoor one such as hiking. Or walking. Or strolling. And don’t be misled by the name, I’m sure you could use this in a situation that doesn’t involve a bicycle; in fact, any rain-based venture would make this a useful gift.
Moustache Comb Bottle Opener
Hobo: “I see you’re struggling to open your craft beer – here please use my bottle opener”.
Man-Beard: “How can I ever repay you for opening my frothy brew – if only I had a moustache comb; I could get the suds out of my beard and take you home for a night of sweet, sweet loving”.
Hobo: *internal fist pump* “Allow me to groom your face-garden with my dual product and then we can go back to your loft, where you can groom my lady-garden with your dual product at least three times”.
Now that I’ve sorted out your gift guide, all that’s left to do this silly season is make sure you’re stocked up on bubbly before the shops close on Christmas Eve, and post me at least one of the above gifts as thanks. And remember: stay away from the mince pies.