Changes to Expect if Trump Wins

Changes to Expect if Trump Wins

While the world is collectively shuddering at the prospect of Donald Trump becoming the next US president, the truth is that most people probably haven’t even considered the far reaching implications of this incomprehensibly fucked up prospect. Here are 30 more reasons to feel nauseous about the impending doom of our civilisation. Fingers crossed the prick doesn’t win.

  1. The word “tomorrow” will be changed to “still here”, while “next week” will henceforth be known as “fuckin’ doubt it”.
  2. The Mad Max series will now be found in the Documentary category of Netflix.
  3. John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, Seth Myers and Samantha Bee will all face joint prosecution as dissenters against the state; they will continue to take the piss right up to the end, which will be their summary execution broadcast live on Trump TV.
  4. The entire cast of Saturday Night Live will mysteriously disappear.
  5. Vladimir Putin will never again be televised from the waist down, in order to conceal his gigantic erection.
  6. Pauline Hanson will make no effort whatsoever to conceal her gigantic erection.
  7. Barack Obama will begin hosting a daily program recorded offshore around the Falkland Islands; it will consist of him staring at the camera and sighing heavily for one hour.
  8. The phrase “Alright, catch ya later!” will be replaced with “Alright, grab ‘em by the pussy.”
  9. The American National Anthem will no longer be ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’; instead, it will be ‘Darth Vader’s Theme’ from Star Wars played backwards interspersed with shrieking toddlers.
  10. ISIS will cease all activity entirely, kick back in Libya with a jumbo popcorn and just… watch.
  11. Marrying your daughter, regardless of her consent, will be deemed not just legal, but the most patriotic duty a man can perform.
  12. Tourism along the US/Mexican border will see a sharp increase, mostly in the form of smug Europeans who want to hear the laughter that echoes through the canyons firsthand.
  13. The KKK will get their own breakfast cereal; “Special KKK” is a working title.
  14. Toy Story 4 will end with the toys actually dying in an incinerator because they’d be better off.
  15. Kendrick Lamar’s provocative To Pimp a Butterfly album cover will be deemed “quaint”.
  16. Outside the US, the name Donald will drop considerably in popularity, wedged comfortably between Adolph and Joffrey.
  17. McDonalds burgers will now come with the option of a side of fries, a .45 Magnum or a cartoon of Muhammad being shat on by Uncle Sam.
  18. Miss Universe will become Miss Nude & Completely Silent.
  19. On the US map of the world, Canada will be known as “First Blood”.
  20. Mexico will be known as “Next”.
  21. Russia will be known as “Booty Call”.
  22. Australia will be known as “Where?”
  23. Tony Abbott’s autobiography, The Illumination of Comparison: See, I Wasn’t That Bad, Right? will be independently published.
  24. The celestial, blessed presence of Frank Ocean will cease to grace itself upon our tumultuous planet; he will return from whence he sprang, a realm inconceivable to those who could elevate one such as Trump to any position of significance. His final words: “This is what you have wrought, those who would dissemble the wonder and purity of this world”, will be the opening lines for the Book of Frank, the holy scripture of Oceanity, the most practiced religion of the 22nd.
  25. Global Warming will now refer to Trump’s hiring of immigrant women to cup his testicles during the inevitable Nuclear Winter.
  26. The onset of Nuclear Winter will bring with it a legion of assholes who think saying “Winter is coming…” makes it less terrifying.
  27. George R. R. Martin, observing the human suffering and misery that abounds at every turn, will take an uneasy retirement and begin work on his memoir, Fuck You, Writing is Hard, which he will never finish.
  28. Mel Gibson will win the Nobel Peace Prize for his speech entitled “The Mongrel Douche Bag in the White House and his Enclave of Jumped-Up Jews That Run the World.”
  29. “Suicide at the End of Days” will become an attainable degree at most Universities.
  30. Maybe, just maybe, Trump gets a dose of humility, pants-shitting fright or hits his skull on his bejewelled bed frame the night of his inauguration and turns over all powers and vestments that come with the Presidential office to his cabinet, ceding the nuclear codes and all other significant information to a more level-headed, adult and rationally thinking person… but, realistically, we’re all gonna die.