Why Foreskins are Great
Personally, I love my foreskin. My whole dick for that matter – the weird little alien thing, growing and shrinking (sometimes oozing), lazing around my leg all day like a wrinkly sausage in the sun. The foreskin is its protection, its fleshy cocoon, the nest in which it rests. It provides shelter when the penis is unused, allowing the knob to retain its miraculous sensitivities for those special moments when he goes on stage.
My knob may be vulnerable underneath, sometimes causing flinches of discomfort when exposed – rubbing against interior of pants or when sucked the wrong way – but that is fine. Only psychopaths and circumcised knobs don’t have feelings. You see, the moment you take away your penis skin, the knob grows callous and rough and like the hands and mind of an old bareknuckle boxer; it is left to grope blindly through physical intimacies, often mauling when it intends to cuddle. And sure it can still fuck and fight, but it cannot feel. For what is a butterfly without its wings: just a grub.
There can’t be many reasons why a parent would choose to have half of their newborn child’s dick chopped off. “Let’s condemn young James to a life with reduced sexual pleasure and impaired sperm production,” just doesn’t seem like a rational thought process. Not to mention the pain caused by surgery in that fragile moment of nativity when tenderness and security are so vitally important (and leave such scarring if neglected).
Therefore, considering the implications of removing such an important part of your body, any reasoning that validates the surgery should be both accurate and ubiquitous. However, the further you look beneath the foreskin of scientific research supporting circumcisions, the more smegma you will find – smegma which would have been easily cleaned up had someone with a foreskin been conducting it.
Firstly, the argument that the foreskin is a vestigial organ is obviously bullshit. There are no such thing as vestigial organs anyways – appendixes, spleens, foreskins – they all serve a purpose. The foreskin, in particular, provides lubrication, protection and has erogenous capabilities (it feels good when you touch it) – thanks to its many nerve endings. Yes, the reduced sensations of a circumcised penis may help with premature ejaculation, but so does breathing properly or thinking about cricket.
“But foreskins are unclean and contract diseases!” you say. No medical report has ever clearly proven that circumcised dicks can prevent STIs or are necessarily cleaner than the all-natural God-given version of the penis. Every year claims and counter-claims are issued, with most reputable medical foundations refusing to take sides on the foreskin. And even if the studies that claim that reduced penises can reduce chances of contracting AIDS or STIs, it is not an immunity, and so condoms are still completely necessary – simply adding a layer of insensitivity to an already dismembered member.
The lack of concrete evidence supporting circumcision hasn’t stopped Bill Gates and his crew of holy crusaders from storming Africa and pillaging its foreskins (they have now claimed over 1 000 000) or the countless parents in Australia, America, Europe and every country in the world still subjecting their children to partial penis removal. And since circumcision is yet to be verified, it begets the question – what the fuck are they doing, taking all those foreskins?
Think about that while you watch this ad that Bill helped fund.
Don’t you think that if it was healthier and cleaner to get the chop, countries with publicly funded health services would have started circumcising baby boys by now – the despots of our political history like Thatcher and Regan would have been gagging for some baby dick skin if it meant they could have saved the country some cash. Luckily, even these cunts realised that circumcisions don’t provide any real benefits (without taking into account all the complications and potential for fucking up).
The concept of human error is of far more consequence when you are holding a razor to the tip of a penis. Many circumcisions are performed with no anaesthetic, but even when pain control is employed, pain is not eliminated. And as with any surgery, complications can and do occur. These include infection, abnormal bleeding, removal of too much skin, loss of all or part of the glans, urinary problems, and even dick-loss or death (which are basically the same thing).
There are also studies that suggest that circumcised men have more behavioural problems – which makes sense when you look at foreskin lopping as the actualization of the oedipal nightmare. And I don’t want to make this a pissing contest, but the circumcised penis averages 0.8 cm shorter than the uncircumcised penis – which is a fact I’m sure many penis-shy young males will now hold against their parents.
If these gruesome details aren’t enough, we can ask the women of the world for their opinion on circumcision, which for females is now called genital mutilation, a verboten crime condemned by the majority of countries in the world. The international community seems to love clitorises but is ambivalent towards foreskins. Why is it a scandal when a woman is mutated to satisfy religious and cultural views, but is a matter of choice when the same is done to boys?
Like female genital mutilation, which varies in degree from “nicking” the hood to complete vaginal alteration – including using thorns to close the hole – male circumcision varies in ages, environments, tools, groups and reasons. In traditional Muslim circumcisions, the boy, aged 5 – 8, is fully conscious during the procedure. Some Orthodox Jews still conduct Metzitzah b’peh on baby boys, which involves sucking blood from the circumcision wound – carrying the risk of herpes and permanent brain damage. While in Africa, circumcision among tribal groups is a rite of passage, and is done in the bush, with spearheads and dirty knives, to teenagers.
Yet, nowhere in the world is any circumcision practice prohibited, and in most countries it is not even restricted. In places like the United States and Australia there are literally no restrictions– anyone with any tool and any degree of medical training can slice off a foreskin on a non-consenting child. This lack of control is shockingly incongruent in notoriously red-tape states, where hairdressers and manicurists are even subjected to strict work place scrutiny.
Within the maelstrom of arguments and counter-arguments, smegma this and smegma that, and all the uncertainty, circumcision just doesn’t seem to be a decision we should make for another person (especially in a progressive world where religious practices can be criticised). As while a baby’s behaviour, clothes, housing and upbringing may be under the mercy of their parents, that irritating version of yourself will grow into a human one day – and when it does, it may be fucking pissed off that you chose to take a part of its penis based on sketchy research or religious dogma, and then either resent you for it, undergo foreskin restoration surgery (which is becoming quite popular), or try to convince himself, and others, that losing some of his dick at birth is somehow a good deal.
Cover by Elizabeth Kirsten