Why You Shouldn't Give a Shit About Climate Change

Why You Shouldn’t Give a Shit About Climate Change

In December this year, 196 countries will get together in Paris in an attempt to negotiate a new climate change policy that the international community can agree on. However, there is really no need to worry, because while some political leaders are inclined to believe the left-wing hoax that is climate change, they show little to no sign of actually doing anything about it – because, you know, money. Anyway, as stated by the great intellectual and protector of inequality, discrimination and human rights abuses otherwise known as Tony Abbott, “climate science is crap” – stop harassing me, science. Here are seven reasons why you should definitely not care, or change even a little bit in the name of climate change. In the end, it’s only a matter of some bullshit thing called human survival.

1. It’s not real.
The first thing to remember when you’re dealing with “environmentalists” is that they’re liars. They might try to persuade you with appealing evidence, years of research and stone-cold facts, but this is just a method of luring you into their socialist mindset. And anyone with an excel sheet can make statistics – years of education and science doctorates does not mean they are smarter than you (you have a Trivia app on your phone and you’re totally nailing the entertainment category). Instead, you should read up on statements made by conservative political leaders and the business elite, as their capitalist bias and personal motivations never influences the way they convey information to the public.

2. It won’t affect you.
Even if the climate change argument turns out to have some basis in reality, it won’t really affect you anytime soon. Instead, it will affect the poorest and most vulnerable areas on earth, and maybe your hypothetical children and grandchildren. But hey, if you’ve learned anything from your mum’s self-help books, it is to “live in the moment”, am I right? You can’t waste your time on pondering the future, or on people less fortunate than yourself. Disease and famine roaming Africa? Island nations virtually vanishing? Internally displaced people and climate refugees? Simply turn the news off and go do some burnouts with your mates.

3. You don’t have time for it.
“Environmentalists” will also try to tell you there are “easy” and “small” measures you can take in order to preserve the Earth. Some of these are decreasing your wastage, careful recycling, using sustainable transport methods such as bicycling or walking, and lastly, these fuckers are trying to get you to eat less meat because factory farming, and the meat industry at large, is a massive contributor to greenhouse gas emission and strains natural resources like water, land and fossil fuels. Can you believe these guys? They not only demand you alter your entire lifestyle, put garbage in different bins and start using your legs for their intended purpose, but they want you to give up your chicken roast. The chicken roast that is filled to the rim with hormones, just the way we like it. I’ve actually heard that girls in Australia are getting bigger boobs because of the hormones they consume through chicken, and how anyone could argue against awesome side effects like that is beyond me.

4. Natural disasters are fun.
One of the many scare tactics deployed by “environmentalists” is the natural disaster hype. Apparently, the amount of storms, floods and heat waves has increased drastically in recent decades, and we are all supposed to take this seriously and be really frightened. However, cyclones are fun because being trapped in your house lets you catch up on all your favourite TV shows, practise lifting things with your toes and watch porn uninterrupted. As long as you’re not living close to a river, floods shouldn’t be a problem, and heat waves are merely a tourists’ description of Australian summer. In other words, bring on the natural disasters, ‘cause while they ruin some peoples’ houses, family and livelihood, you really wouldn’t mind some time off work right about now.

5. Animals are annoying.
Perhaps the most idiotic propaganda preached by “environmentalists” is the species extinction narrative. Seriously, who the fuck cares if bees disappear? They might play a crucial part in the ecosystem and be completely vital in the pollination of the fruit and veggies we consume, but you’re vitamin intake is covered by pills and you’re not giving up on your factory-farmed chicken so you’re sweet. Also, getting stung by a bee might really hurt you for a maximum of 30 minutes, so good riddance. Hey climate change, kill mosquitoes next?

6. Water isn’t really that important.
Another “super serious” issue related to climate change is water security. The number of people living in areas where water scarcity is a reality is likely to rise from a current 1.6 billion to 2.8 billion people by 2025, or so the “environmentalist” tale goes. Apparently this will lead to a devastating security crisis in which people are forced to migrate because they are human beings and human beings can’t live without water. If that were true, Bear Grylls would have been dead ages ago. In fact they should follow his example – if they’re so thirsty why don’t they just drink their urine?

7. You didn’t want to travel anyway.
Okay, so maybe island nations will be uninhabitable and the sea will swallow tropical paradises people once visited. Maybe ethnic conflict caused by environmental migration will take its toll on former holiday destinations, adventure tours will be cancelled due to viruses and resource depletion will confine people to their borders – you really won’t mind. You’re very comfortable where you are and you don’t see any point in exploring further. Why go to China when there’s a Chinatown in every city that has great dumplings? I’m pretty sure all the continents are represented on Wikipedia so if you’re really so eager for knowledge you can read all about Europe and the ancient ruins of Rome within minutes online.

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Repeat these seven principles as your mantra before you go to bed and right after waking up, in order to ensure a good night’s sleep and a clear conscience. If you’re ever faced with an “environmentalist” – pretend to be deaf and walk the other way. If climate change consequences are reported about in your newspaper – burn it. If environmental degradation is mentioned on the radio while you’re driving – crash your car into a tree.

i support GW

Cover by Cestrius Signius; inset by Philippe Tarbouriech