I Went to a Sex Show in Bangkok
“You haven’t truly experienced Bangkok until you’ve seen an old white man finger a young Thai girl in the street.”
This is how my expat cousin began our Girl’s Night Out over a round of Polish vodka shots procured during her last visit there. Turned out all she left out was the point when you have to question the gender of said “young Thai girl”.
Welcome to Bangkok.
I’ve been waiting to visit Thailand for the most opportune (read: hobo-appropriate) moment. My cousin has lived there for several years now, so accommodation was never going to be an issue. Though with a full-time job, boyfriend, and two cats, I didn’t want to risk being left to fend for my non-Thai-speaking self during my stay. This past December, the stars aligned. Another cousin had just moved to Bangkok, and with no job, a high tolerance for mixing alcohols, and the knowledge of how to do cheap Thailand even cheaper, I was sold.
First stop of our GNO in Bangkok’s red-light district along Soi Cowboy, Country Road – and not the Country Road that supplies duffle bags to every girl and their mum across Australia. Country Road, the karaoke bar where convenience runs all the way down from the price tags the prostitute/waitresses wear around their necks to the “Lady Drink” option on the menu for patrons to buy for said prostitute/waitresses. After a drink, a few duet requests from an old man who knew honky-tonk better than Dolly Parton herself, and the seedy looks of the bartender who handed me my drink, we were out of there. If, in fact, the bartender had roofied my whiskey ginger, I at least wanted to see a sex show before the effects kicked in.
Which leads me to the highlight of our evening, or at least the location of many highlights of our evening – Suzie Wong’s. Arriving at the venue only minutes before the “classy” blacklight show I was promised earlier in the night, a small, elderly hostess ushered us to our seats next to a group of Japanese businessmen. She wiped the seats down, took our order, then fist pumped her way passed the eight nude girls on stage – none of whom could muster even an eighth of our hostess’ energy – to the bar.
The lights dimmed, the music slowed, and a Japanese hand moved towards my thigh – the show was about to begin. The dancers dark bodies were quickly painted with the abrupt strokes of a male artist who must’ve thought he hit the job jackpot. The girls were transformed into neon butterflies, winged angels, and swerving flowers in a matter of minutes.
“This isn’t so seedy,” I thought to myself.
Less than 10 minutes, one drink, and three repeats of a Dido song later, the lights came on and the girls switched shifts. And what was the blacklight show opening up for, you ask? Group pleasuring.
Six girls took the stage, split into threes, split their legs, and pleasured each other in various yoga poses, many of which I no longer feel comfortable practicing. The slow music and movements tried to set a certain mood, yet the bored faces of the receiving participants implied numbness despite the heads between legs and hands on chest.
When the tongues needed a rest, the beat quickened just in time for some good old fashioned needle-pulling-from-vaginas.
À la a magician pulling rainbow ribbons from his sleeve (which were also pulled from strippers’ nether regions later on), rows of tethered pin needles came one after the other popping balloons in patrons’ hands as they pulled.
While most in attendance couldn’t take their eyes off the spectacle on stage, a group of fellas managed to scope out the only three girls in the audience (I’m referring to us) and buy them a drink. Delivered by our favorite peppy hostess, a round of drinks was brought our way. We nodded across the room in acceptance, downed the drinks, and contemplated what kind of man thinks a sex show is the ideal pick-up spot.
As we stood to leave, we shook the hands of the Japanese businessmen to our right, dodged the gropes of the elderly Americans in the front row, and held back our gagging as one patron launched himself on stage to eat out a stripper before being removed.
As we neared the end of Soi Cowboy to hail a cab to our next, less sexual destination, I got to truly experience Bangkok. Outside one of the many strip clubs sat an old white man fingering a young Thai girl(?). The night was a success.