Don't Date a Girl who is a Hobo

Don’t Date a Girl who is a Hobo

She’s the one with near-dreadlocks and the occasional nit, a look she achieves by only ever washing her hair when she finds spare shampoo in a hostel shower. Her skin is covered in bed bug bites, and she probably has a tropical rash or two in places you’d rather not think about. But for every gross thing that happens to her, you know she’s going to blog about it.

Don’t date a girl who is a hobo. She is far too easy to please. The usual dinner-movie date at the mall will rock her holey socks off, because if you supply her with free food once, she’ll follow you around for eternity like a stray dog. Plus, Easyjet doesn’t show movies on their flights, so to her, seeing a film is utter luxury.

Don’t date a girl who is a hobo, because she will steal your new car and new watch and flog them on Gumtree to buy a plane ticket. She will never pay over $100 for Avicii, because a) Avicii fucking sucks and b) if she really wanted to go, she would just jump the fence.

Chances are, she can’t hold a steady job, because a solid income will decrease her Centrelink payments. She doesn’t want to keep working her ass off for someone else’s dream. She has her own and is working towards it. She is a “freelancer”, aka she will clean hostel toilets or shag couch surfers in exchange for accommodation. She doesn’t make money from designing, writing, photography or something that requires creativity and imagination, because she is always too hungover, plus, she left her laptop on a bus in Morocco.

Don’t date a girl who is a hobo. She might have wasted the college degree her poor parents paid for, but she is now a liftie at a ski resort, pressing buttons for a living. She knows when her next paycheck is coming, and she plans on blowing it all that night on a bottle of Captains and a baggie.

Don’t date a girl who is a hobo, for she has chosen a life of uncertainty. She doesn’t have a plan or a permanent address, so will be more than happy to assume yours, moving in rent-free indefinitely. She goes with the flow, and doesn’t wear a watch, because she can’t afford one. Her days are ruled by the sun and the moon: when the sun is out, she’ll work on her tan; when the moon is out, she’ll party.

Don’t date a girl who is a hobo, as she tends to say “cunt” far too often in inappropriate public places. She will never be able to impress your parents or friends with anything other than her strawpedoing ability. She knows respect, but knows fuck all about current global issues because the last time she watched the news was in 2006.

She will never need you, unless you have a foreign passport she wants in on. She cooks mi goreng like a champ, and doesn’t need you to pay for her meals because she is an expert at robbing hostel kitchens. She is too independent and won’t care whether you travel with her or not; it’s probably better if you don’t, because then she can abide by the postcode rule. She will forget to check in with you when she arrives at her destination, because she has a fairly limited amount of brain cells these days. She’s busy living in the present, with no thoughts of what that late-night kebab is going to do to her thighs. She talks to strangers. Some call it harassment. She will meet many interesting, like-minded people from around the world who share her passion and dreams for binge drinking and winning a game of flags.

So never date a girl who is a hobo unless you are desperate and can’t pull anyone else.. And if you unintentionally fall in love with one, get a sexual health check. Immediately.

Gemma Clarke is the editor-in-chief of Global Hobo. She spends her time contracting tinea in foreign countries, taking afternoon naps and drinking red wine through a straw.