In this bipolar world that we all live in, there are various platforms of transportation to be used, and whether you like the comfort of a train or get a little hard over not knowing exactly where you’re heading in the back-seat of a carpooler’s Volkswagen, there will be something for you.
In travelling, I experienced various methods of transport, ranging from planes to horse-drawn carriages, though I would have to say that there perhaps isn’t a single more prominent form of getting from place-to-place better than having your own car. I know that isn’t exactly a feasible possibility for all you slack-jawed, raunchy, hobolicious fucks, but on the off chance that is it, then I advise you with all my strongest advisement to do so. Now, if – like most – you don’t have a car, please continue reading to see all forms of travel categorised into most economic and most likely to get a root. Each mode of transport will be assessed according to a scale of one to five dollar signs, with one being the cheapest and five being the most expensive.
Buses are a good form of travel; they’re cheaper than trains and quicker than walking, depending on which country you’re in (never ever, ever get a bus in New York City). Intercity travel on buses is something that I would advocate; however, inter-country bus travel is certainly, for me, the bane of our slutty existence. If you’re like me, which I can imagine that none of you are (that involves masturbating nine times a day), you will not enjoy the reality of sitting on an uncomfortable bus seat for 36 hours next to a smelly hobo (not the good kind of hobo either) to get to a different country that would have taken a one hour flight and only cost 10 more dollars (6 pounds, 7 Euros, 570 Indian rupee or 3.50 Bahraini dinar).
Cost: Depending on distance, $$
Chance of getting a root: Pretty high, I’d give it a 6 out of 10. It all really depends on who you get sat next to and how horny you are.
Chance of getting robbed and raped: 1/10
Timeliness: Again, it depends on how far you’re going, as in Europe, for example, the buses stop every TWO hours for you to have a little break and punch a dart.
Trains are probably your most reliable form of transport with regard to the certainty of actually leaving and getting to your destination on time. I have never experienced (outside of Australia) a late train, touch wood *touches penis*, and I have certainly not experienced what often happens with buses and planes, which is them not actually leaving due to weather or slippery road conditions. Trains may cost you more in the end, but you’re paying for safety and a guarantee on timeliness. There is also often a sneaky little candy bar, which is bullshit.
Chance of getting a root: Pretty high again actually – I’d give it a 6/10 again; actually maybe a 7/10 as there are quite spacious bathrooms on trains, plenty of room to be exuberant with your thrusts and loose with your morals.
Chance of getting robbed and raped: Probably zero, but I’m going to chuck a 1/10 in there because I don’t want you to think that there’s no chance of getting raped. There’s always a possibility: keep that it mind scared, young, sheltered, soon-to-be travellers.
Timeliness: 3 ½ times quicker than a bus
Planes are great – if you have heaps of money. There are, however, often deals that can actually make it a cheaper option, but they come around scarcely, so keen an eye out. There are various budget airlines you can take, but again, you are saving money on lesser degrees of safety and timeliness. I am a huge pessimist when it comes to flying, and I’ll only do it if I absolutely have to. In saying that though, it is typically the most sought after long-journey travel option by some distance. I recently did a survey and it came back with the results that I’m absolutely full of shit and made that up. But from a look-and-see viewpoint, it is the most popular. The perils of flying come with limiting your own personal travel intentions, as you’re not enabling yourself to see some sweet countryside between places as you generally would with a car, train, bus etc.
Chance of getting a root: Budget airlines: 0/10 – hand job or finger at best. Major airlines: 7/10
Chance of getting robbed and raped: Again, 1/10
Timeliness: The quickest form of transport bar jet and rockets. Jet airliner planes can move up to the cruising altitude average speed of around 500 to 600 mph (800 to 960 km/h), meaning that scientifically, you can get to a place pretty quickly.
My favoured mode of transport. You will need to have some time on your hands though, as they can only reach speeds of up to about 5km an hour, meaning inter-country travel is not on the cards. If it were though, from Munich, Germany to Innsbruck, Austria, a car trip typically only taking roughly two hours would take up to 35 on a horse. Ouch. Your bum would feel like it’d had a mad anal pounding come Monday morning. Horse-drawn carriage travel is synonymous with romanticism and drinking champagne, especially in Prague. Perhaps not an effective form of travel, but it will certainly get you a root.
Chance of getting a root: 10/10 – do not do this with anyone you don’t want to have sex with
Chance of getting robbed and raped: You’re going to get robbed and raped
Timeliness: Not really in the confines of the scale system, but perhaps -10/10
Great form of travel – almost glorified hitch-hiking – which depends wholly on whether you’re comfortable with getting in a strangers car with the possibility of them not speaking your language and driving long distances with them. I was okay with it, and I turned out semi-okay. Car-pooling is a huge network, especially in Europe, where people who are driving from somewhere to somewhere else will put up on a website their start and end point, what time they are leaving and how much they want from you money-wise. Generally, it’s pretty sweet, and you’ll have the name and number of the person before you get in, so I guess it is as reliable as people are – take that whichever way you want. Last year me and a friend jumped in a car with a guy called Hans who was driving from Salzburg to Munich, and did admittedly almost die a few times, but we paid five Euros each for it, when a train trip was going to cost 150 Euros.
Chance of Getting a root: Their slogans on their website say that 16 people have gotten married as a result of car-pooling, so I’d say pretty high. 6/10
Chance of getting robbed and raped: Yes. 8/10
Timeliness: Prime, quicker than buses. Depends on traffic.
I’m sure you are all aware what hitchhiking is, and have probably formed your own opinion on why it shouldn’t be done, but don’t be so quick to assume the worst. Hitchhiking could be your only hope if you run out of money or are stuck somewhere that you probably don’t want to be. Hitchhiking, also known as thumbing or hitching, is a mode of transport that is acquired by asking people, usually strangers, for a ride in their automobile or other such road vehicle. I haven’t experienced this one first hand, but from close friends and acquaintances, I have been told that it is pretty legit. There is a whole porn craze at the moment surrounding hitchhiking: males pull over to pick up females and will have their penises out. If the girl gets in then they will continue to drive on and some sort of caressing or sucking will initiate as perhaps some sort of payment for the drive. Alternatively though, they don’t get in the car and the police will be called. It’s really up to you if you want to get in a car and suck some dick in return for a car trip, but it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Chance of getting a root: 5/10
Chance of getting robbed and raped: 11/10
Timeliness: Chances are that if you’re hitchhiking, you’re not overly fussed on whether or not you’re going to be somewhere on time.
As far as travel goes, any which way of getting from point A to point B is acceptable. You’ll learn things as you go obviously, but as a starter kit, I hope this gave you some sort of knowledge on how to get a root whilst being in motion to somewhere as well.