How to Shag your Scuba Instructor
It’s a verified fact that 95 percent of what lies beneath the earth’s oceans remains unexplored. Thing is, if you’ve been paired with a sultry scuba coach, all you’ll be wanting to explore is what lies beneath his wetsuit.
Diving under the guidance of an instructor fosters the ideal environment for a bit of hanky panky. You’re both constantly wet, there’s lots of heavy breathing and your lips loosen up so much from being wrapped around a regulator that you can suck like a boss for hours afterwards. Plus, everyone knows the teacher/pupil relationship is an ultimate male fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that “student and master” becomes S&M when written as an acronym.
Sure – you can be unlucky and get a guy whose other job is a department-store Santa (cheers Dad: sick 13th birthday present), but if you’re in a place bursting with backpackers like the beaches of Cambodia or Cairns, you shouldn’t have any trouble finding a babe to get wet and wild with.
Prior to getting underwater and commencing your grand seduction plan, it is important to verify that your instructor is actually attractive, because people who are hot with a snorkel mask on generally aren’t hot without one. Also remember that you haven’t taken up diving to get a suntan, so don’t refuse to wear a wetsuit in order to show off your lovely lady lumps or you’ll end up dying from hypothermia. If that happens, unless your instructor is a necro, you’re probably not going to get a root.
Once you enter the ocean, control of the situation moves to your hands. I mean that literally, because all underwater communication is done via sign language. Aside from the obvious fun you can have making the symbol for “barracuda” for every approaching fish you see, if you use your mind creatively, you should have no trouble conveying that the only marine creature you’re interested in is the sea cucumber between your dive master’s legs.
When you come up for air, consider throwing around a few scuba-related pick-up lines to show how much you’ve learned. My recommendations are as follows:
- “So you’re a master diver hey… does that include muff diving?”
- “Wanna feel my tits? They’re C-shells.”
- “I hear you’re into spear fishing. Ever caught a bearded clam?”
- “Are you free-willying under that wetsuit?”
- “Gee – there sure were a lot of oysters down there. Any chance of a pearl necklace?”
Now that your motives are clear, invite your scuba soulmate to join you in an activity you know he’d be up for later that night, like getting together for a meal of dolphin-safe tuna. Afterwards, inform him you’d like to practise “oxygen-deprivation exercises”, aka seeing how long you can make out without coming up for air, before getting down to business with his bait and tackle.
Do note though that having intercourse in the ocean is not really advised. There is a high risk of being speared on a coral reef rather than a penis, and, like sex in a shower or hot tub, it’s far better in theory than in practice. You pretty much can’t feel anything, and asking, “Are you in yet?” tends to be a bit of a mood kill.
Also keep in mind that as with all seasonal sexual encounters, dive masters should be regarded as a hump and dump, or at best a holiday fling. Most will have a whole school of wannabe-scuba Barbies queued up each day, and their wages are shit anyway, so you’d be hard pressed to find one who could provide you with little more than a lifetime’s supply of fish fingers. But you don’t mind, you horny little hobo you – plenty more instructors in the sea, right?
Gemma Clarke is the editor-in-chief of Global Hobo. She spends her time contracting tinea in foreign countries, taking afternoon naps and drinking red wine through a straw.